Norman Rockwell is Bleeding
by nightcrawler89
Summary: This is a writen version of sevral Titus episodes. Please Read and Review
1. Chapter 1

#1

I don't own Titus or any of the characters so please don't sue me.

CHAPTER 1:Dad is dead 

Yr (2000)

**The LA Times states that 63 of all American families are now considered dysfunctional. That means were the majority, were normal. It's the people that had the mom, dad, sister, brother, white picket fence, those people are the freaks. Normal people scare me. It's because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens, they just snap. Like my pal Tommy.**

(A month ago)

At that point, Tommy was standing in the middle of his bathroom with a clogged toilet. He had done everything he could think of to fix it. It just kept overflowing. He couldn't take it. He finally screamed "IS THERE NO GOD."

**But being from a dysfunctional family means that nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?**

"What do you mean dad is dead" said Christopher Titus. He was talking to his brother Dave. Dave was a red headed, ferret faced, pot smoker. He was left with Titus and his father when he was 5. What happened was, when Dave's mom left Titus' dad, she forgot to take Dave with her.

All Dave could say was "I think dad is dead"

"Not a lot of grey area here Dave. Dead, not dead, is there a pulse" said Titus

"I don't know"

"I have taken half a day off work, there better be a corpse." Titus slowly started to calm down and said "I mean, what makes you think he's dead"

Dave replied "He's been in his room for 4 days now"

Titus looked and his brother and casually said "Right and"

"Without getting a beer"

At this point, sadness hit Titus. All he could say was "Oh my god. How did it happen?"

"I don't know. I'm not going in his room I'll be scared for life"

"Dave, you've been living with the man since you were 8, you are scared for life"

**Dave and I both lived in the same fear of dad. Except I was more aggressive.**

10 years ago

Titus and Dave sat on the couch and watched their dad sitting in his chair, drinking a beer, watching the football game. Titus whispered to Dave "Look at him, what does he do? Just sitting there, chair growing out the back of his head, I bet I could kick his ass."

Dave out of concern and fear (Mostly fear) just suggested "Or we could go get ice cream"

**I had decided to cross that man boy line.**

Just then, Titus got up from the couch and stood strait in front of his dad and said "I did not loose your crescent wrench. You are such a bag of butt-cracks. You wanna piece of me, come on, me and you old man. Yeah, I got some moves now" He struck a crane pose and screamed.

**I thought my dad was lazy. It turns out, he was just resting up**

Papa Titus got up from his chair and in one punch, knocked his son out. After seeing this, Dave got up from the couch, ran to his room and locked the door.

**See the difference between me and Dave is, Dave has the ability to walk away**

Now

Dave looked at Titus and said "I'm out" He started to walk out the door when his brother stopped him. "Hey you're not going anywhere". Titus pointed to his dad's room and said "Now go in there and discover our dead father."

"NO, I never went in dad's room when he was alive, I'm sure as hell not going in there now that he's dead"

"Oh come on you've been in his room before"  
"Never in my life…..Ok when"

"When we swiped his hustler magazine Christmas issue. 62 pages of Ho Ho Ho's"

"No no no, you went in, I was look out"

"What about when we swiped quarters from his Los Vegas jug"

"Look out"

"How bout the time-"

"Look out"

"Well look little brother now you have a choice. You can go in there and find out that our father is dead or you can be a soulless nothing, rotting on the sidelines, waiting for life to run you over."

Dave thought for a moment and said "I choose rotting soulless nothing." Titus's head sank and the he said "Quit being a WUSSY". Dave's blood froze and he started pointing at Titus. Because right their, Titus sounded like their dad.

**That was the supreme insult in our family. Dad though you could get through anything if you just "Quit being a wussy". You could get your arm ripped off and dad would find the arm get some packing tape and strap it back on.**

In Titus's mind 17 years ago

It was at the semi finals during a soccer tournament and Titus's dad had strapped his arm back on with some packing tape and said "Here you go son, now you're ready to play. Time to quit being a wussy."

"Thank you father, I'll be the best soccer player ever" That is what little Titus said as he ran out onto the soccer field with his right arm dangling. The father of another kid looked at papa Titus with disgust. Papa Titus looked back at him and with so much casualness in his voice like he had done nothing wrong looked back at him and said "What".

Now

"I am not a wussy" screamed Dave. Titus pointed to his dads room and said "Well then go in there man. Fear no evil. Go in there and face the darkness"

"Hey I live with him; I face the darkness every day. You go in"

Titus hesitated and then said "Fine pshh I'll go in"

"Fine pshh I'll be look out"

"Dave"  
"Titus"

Titus looked at his brother like he was and idiot and went up to the door and put his hand on the doorknob.

**My father never missed a drink, or a joint, or a party, or a chance to get laid in his life. But he also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. **

22 years ago

**This is a man who has been divorced five times and the women cleaned him out every time. At one point in my life all we had left was a wooden box, 12" black and white TV, and a 4-man rubber raft for a couch.**

The repo guys had just taken Papa Titus' chair. So Papa Titus sat down next to his 5 year old son on the "couch" and told his son "I met a foxy new lady today. I think your gunna like her. You ready for a new mommy?" Little Titus just hugged his teddybear and stared at the TV. Papa Titus looked at his son took a sip from his beer and said "Wussy".

**If anybody else had put me through the crap that this man had, I'd have burst in the room, danced a jig, and high-fived the coroner but this was my dad. Do you wanna find your dad dead?**

Now

Titus stepped back from the door looked at Dave and said "Shut-up". He walked over to his dads chair and sat down. Dave walked towards the kitchen and said "I'm gunna go make a sandwich. Do you want one wussy?" Titus got up. He looked like he was about to punch Dave. He then said "Light mayonnaise no cheese."

They walked to kitchen. Dave tossed Titus a bag of bread and said "So, now what." Titus untied the bag and said "I don't know. I mean, if we don't notify somebody soon, we stop being grieving relatives and become suspects."

"Hey maybe theirs some kind of service we can call"

Titus looked up and sarcastically said "You mean like that guy that comes over and pulls dead squirrels out of your heating vent."

"Well no, I guess not"

"Maybe we should call mom". After Titus said that, he and Dave burst out laughing.

**My mom is crazy. I don't mean like "MY MOM IS CRAZY". I mean "we the jury find the defendant…"**

**She was diagnosed a manic depressive schizophrenic and admitted to a mental care facility. Or as dad so eloquently put it….**

22 years ago

Papa Titus went over to his boy and said "Your mom's shacked up in the wacko basket. You want a cookie".

Now

Titus and Dave walked back into the living room laughing. They were three feet from papa Titus room and then they froze." Titus looked over to his brother and said "we gotta go in there."

"Yeah but we just ate. Shouldn't we wait like a half hour" said Dave

"Dave, were going in." They walked slowly to the door and Titus' voice got a little high pitched as he said "because, were not wussies." They were only 3 inches away when, the doorbell rang. The two of them bolted to the door. Titus got there first.

He opened the door and standing there was his girlfriend Erin.

Erin was a very pretty blond and out of all of the people Titus had met, she was the most normal. She and Titus actually went to high school together. The only reason they never went out then was because Erin was in the "hot girls" group and Titus was in the losers who "hadn't discovered deodorant" group. Luckily for Titus, he met Erin again after high school. Way after high school. They had been going out for almost an entire year.

Erin was angry. She looked at her boyfriend and said "So I'm sitting at meeting with a very important client when suddenly my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead". So I race out of the meeting and I drive all the way to Santa Maria because naturally I think MY dad's dead."

Titus looked at Erin and said "Honey, your dad's not dead"

"Yeah, I know that now. Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would have been so sick" said Erin

"Baby, I'm sorry. What I should have said was, my dads dead"

Erin laughed and said "wasn't funny about my dad and it's not funny about yours." She then saw the look of sincerity on Dave and Titus faces and realized "Unless it's not a joke. Papa Titus is dead"

Dave spoke up and said "we did page you"

Erin then hugged her boyfriend

**That's Erin, always taking care of me. Not like my last girlfriend: case #246-B. She was a little less thoughtful. She was a 5 foot, 100 pound, Jewish girl. And I still haven't forgiven the Jewish people. I almost spent a night in jail because of this woman, but they don't let you stay in jail just because you're afraid of your girlfriend.**

"Are you ok?" said Erin as she hugged Titus**.**

"I'm ok". Then Erin turned to Dave and asked "how about you"?

Dave replied "no" then he tried to hug Erin. She completely ignored him and turned back to Titus. She said "Don't worry, I'll handle everything. I will call everyone. I am here now".

Titus replied "God you are amazing. You find out our father might be dead and you are all over it. God I love you"

"What did you say?"

"God I love you"

"Before that"

"You are amazing"

"No lets go all the way back to the _might be dead _part"

"Dave and I have some concerns about that too"

**Of coarse Erin can get angry. She's got that Irish temper. But she's northern Irish so we don't fight; she just puts a bomb in my car. Isn't she great? Beautiful, proactive, although when we first go together, dad thought the relationship was a huge mistake.**

(Almost a year ago)

"I think this relationship is a huge mistake." said Papa Titus. "Take it from a guy who has been married a lot. You will regret the day you moved in together. You are in for a nightmare." Erin just looked at him with her eyes wide open

(Now)

Erin, Dave, and Titus went back into the living room with Erin scolding them "I can't believe you guys are so lame you can't go in there and find your own dead father" She went towards the door to Papa Titus's room and stopped just like Titus. She turned around and went towards the nearest chair saying, "You're small weak men and you disgust me."

Titus looked down at her and said "Well, little miss big talk couldn't open it either."

"Hey, I already walked in on one horrifying scene today. So what makes you think he's dead?"

Dave replied "He's been in his room for 4 days now"

"Right and"

"Without getting a beer"

The same look of sadness that hit Titus hit Erin. All she could say was "Oh my god"

"Yeah"

"Maybe that's why he gave me his will"

Titus then asked her "What will?"

"Last Thursday he gave me his will"

"How come he didn't give me his will?"

Then Dave said "I live here I should get the will"

"I'm the oldest" said Titus. Then Erin screamed "Stop" before a fight broke out.

"Listen" said Erin, "you're missing the point. We've got a secret will and a newly dead guy".

Titus and Dave just sat on the couch and stared at her blankly. She then said "alright a train leaves Chicago go 60 mph…."

"I got it" screamed Titus.

Then Dave said "Why would dad go to Chicago"

Titus looked at his brother and said "Dave, dad killed himself."

"Got it"

Erin took the will out of her purse and said "What a waist. He was only 54."

They stood in silence for a while and then Dave said "Who won the pool"

They all reached into there pockets and pulled out small stubs. Titus had 68. Erin had 83. Dave had 52. They tore there stubs up and Dave asked "So who had 54?"

Titus answered "Dad did"

Erin said "So he went out a winner and a looser"

Titus lied back on the couch and said "Dad is not the kind of guy who would kill himself. One of us maybe but not himself."

Erin said "Maybe it wasn't suicide, maybe he knew he was going to die"

Dave then said "How would he know, he hasn't been to the doctor since the fellatio incident"

**Episode Eleven**

Titus asked Dave "Do you wanna open the will. It would be kinda nice to see what we got. Kinda like Christmas except dad's not drunk."

Then Dave added on "And no cops"

Before they opened the will, the door bell rang.

**Ya'll remember my pal Tommy**

"IS THERE NO GOD"

Titus opened the door and Tommy ran in and hugged Titus crying "Oh god your dad is dead I am so sorry. What a great man he was." He went over to Erin and hugged her too. Then when he went over to Dave and tried to hug him but Dave stopped him by putting his hand on Tommy's face. Tommy responded by putting his hand on Dave's face saying, "I so feel your loss Dave." Tommy Then said "its gunna be alright everyone, I stopped by the bookstore and looked through a number of books and I found this one to be the most comprehensive. _Death: do's and don'ts" _

**Tommy is the most anal detail oriented…anal human being on the planet. Which is why I hired him.**

In Titus's hotrod shop Tommy was marveling over the new car they built. He said "We did it. We started with a hunk of metal, four wheels, and a motor and we turned it into art. Picasso, Van Gogh, Titus." Titus looked at him and said "Shut up, I'm going to get some lunch." Dave followed him and Tommy started to follow but Titus closed the garage door before Tommy could get out.

"**Titus High Performance" we build hotrods. Hotrods that are smoother, faster and have more flow than anything on the road. Cause all anybody really wants is a normal life and a cool car. Most people settle for the car.**

(Now)

Titus looked at Tommy and said "What the hell is a death do?"

Tommy opened his book and read "Do: Write and obituary for the newspaper." Tommy pulled a slip of paper from his pocket and said "I took the liberty".

"We'll read it later"

"I understand" said Tommy as he tried to hug Titus again. Titus raised his hand and said "Don't"

Tommy backed off and once again looked at his book and read "Do: Decide if you want to have a viewing of the body." There was a silence and Tommy said "Are we gunna…" and Erin replied "Eventually."

Titus and Dave put their arms around Tommy, led him to the door to Papa Titus's room and Titus said "Tommy, you know a viewing is an excellent idea. You go first". Tommy's eyes grew wide; he turned around and said "He's still in there. Oh my god". He ran from the door and said "I think having the body removed is a big _death do_. I don't wanna see Papa Titus like that. He was like a father to me." Titus sat back down on the couch saying "He was Like a father to all of us."

**Tommy worships my dad because he didn't have to grow up with him. He didn't have to run the gauntlet. A mother will give you knowledge; a father makes you earn knowledge. **

(22 years ago)

Little Titus had found a dime. He walked with it in hand until he found an outlet. He remembered seeing his father put in change in a soda machine once. So he bent down put the dime close to the socket then his mom walked in the room and said "Don't do that sweetheart it dangerous." His dad (who had been sitting there the whole time) held her back and said "No wait," he looked at his son and said "Well go on". Little Titus put the dime in the outlet and got shocked. His dad looked down at him and said "Well, I bet your never gunna do that again now are you"

Now

Tommy walked towards the door and said "I almost forgot the cake. I left it on the porch" He handed his book to Dave and Erin got up and asked "Why did you bring cake"

"Page 216" replied Tommy as he walked back in with the cake.

Dave looked through the book till he found the page and read "Do: have plenty of comfort foods; ex: pastries, chocolate, and cake."

Erin sarcastically said "Well we can either go into your fathers' room or we can have cake"

Dave and Titus looked at each other and said "Cake" The three of them then fallowed Tommy into the kitchen.

As they sat down to eat the cake Erin couldn't help but say "You know, I'm gunna miss your dad"

Tommy joined in and said "Me too. Hey, remember the mailbox". Titus and Dave then started to laugh. Erin then asked about the mail box and Dave replied "Titus stole a federal male box."

Titus then said "I was drunk and it was giving me attitude"

Tommy then told Erin "The police caught him and took him to jail" and Dave said

"Dad left him in there for 2 days."

Titus added "He wouldn't post bail".

Erin finished off by saying "Bet you never did that again"

Once she said that, Titus had realized how good his dad really was. "Son of a bitch, he really did love me."

Dave added on "Yeah I know, he taught us so much. He taught us how to shave, how to drive, how to water ski".

"He gave us three tries to get up. And if you weren't up by that third try "Swim back"".

Erin added "He was a noble loving father, a caring human being, who only thought of others"

Tommy, Dave, and Titus looked at her and she continued "When sober". The boys then agreed with her.

Dave continued "Man when he drank, he turned into the most negative human being on the planet"

Titus said "You might know him as ANTI-DAD."

"Where ever there is hope" Dave started.

"I shall stop it"

"Where self esteem rears its shinny little head"

"I'll be there to kick it in the testicles"

"He dad I got a "B" on my report card"

"But it's not an "A" is it son. Now that the smile has left your face, I'm off."

"Hey dad, I graduated high school"

"But you didn't make valedictorian did you boy. When your confidence returns so shall I"

"Hey dad, I got my first job"

"Good for you. Wait a minute something's wrong." Titus pretended to drink a beer and said "First job huh, Well you aren't manager yet are you boy. And a real man would own his own business. Now leave me alone. I'm off to destroy your brother. Ok now it's my turn. Hey dad, last year I started my own business and in one year I made more money than you made in any year of your life. What do you think about that?"

They were so busy laughing that they didn't notice Papa Titus walk in wearing nothing but his boxers and a robe. He reached in the fridge, pulled out a beer, opened it and said "I think without me pushing you, you never would have made it." He took a sip from his beer and said "Now will you be quiet, I am trying to get some sleep." He then walked back to his room and slammed the door.

Titus, Erin, Dave and Tommy just sat there in silence until Tommy said "He's not dead".

Erin exhaled and said "Thank god", but no one replied at all. They just sat there with there eyes wide open. Erin repeated "Thank god right"

**The LA Times states that 63 of all American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good, because that means when Armageddon happens, 37 of the population is going to loose there minds. "Oh my god the world is over". Us 63 are gunna go "Hey there's know one watching the Lexus dealership"**


	2. Chapter 2

#2

Chapter 2: Dave Moves Out

**Normal people say what they mean. They want something, they ask. Screwed up people never say what they mean. But if you grow up among them, you learn their ways, their customs….Their drinking habits. Until one day you become what is known as "The Translator".**

(3 years ago)

Dave was sitting on the couch watching TV when Papa Titus walked in drinking a beer. He walked up to Dave and snapped his fingers.

**May I have the remote**?

Dave said "Pshh", and slumped down.

**I am currently using the remote**.

Papa Titus leaned over on Dave's chair and said "It's ironic that you're watching synchronized swimming when your girlfriend drowned last month." Dave and he ran crying to his room and Papa Titus took the remote, sat down on his chair, turned on the game and screamed "GO NINERS".

**Next time just give me the remote.**

**When you can't communicate, you act out. It's called….acting out. When you act out above a freeway exit ramp, it's called violating the penal code. When Dave and I were teenagers, had we seen a sign that said penal code, we'd have stolen that too.**

(10 years ago)

Dave and Titus were above a freeway exit ramp stealing a sign that read "Exit 69". Dave looked over at his brother and said "After this we get "Dangerous Curves"."

Titus added "And then "Slippery when wet"."

The cops came and caught them shortly after.

**(Singing)**

_**They arrested us; put us in jail, 4 hours later, dad brought bail. He took us home, put us on the lawn, we did hard time, hard time. **_

Dave and Christopher had just finished cleaning every window in the house with nothing but a tooth brush and half a sponge. Ken Titus came and said "Good work boys but you missed a spot." And with that, he took a bucket full of mud and splashed it on the windows hitting Christopher and Dave in the process. The boys just went back to cleaning.

**After that, I decided dad would only humiliate me for two more years. Three years later, I was on my own. Dave still lives with dad because he doesn't have my spontaneity. **

Now (yr 2000)

Christopher ran into a police station found a cop and said "My name is Christopher Titus, my brother has been arrested."

"Who's your brother" asked the cop

Titus shook his hand and said "you must be new here".

Just then Ken Titus walked up and said "Steve this is my other son Christopher. He doesn't have as many felonies as his brother."

Titus looked at his dad and said "Can you believe Dave"

"I wasn't surprised" said Ken

"What did he do this time" asked Christopher.

Steve answered "Grand theft".

"Grand theft that's a real crime" said Christopher

"And this is a real police station" said Steve

Papa Titus then said "And your brothers a real criminal".

"Well dad if you were bailing him out, why did you call me?"

"Well me bailing him out is against the rules. I'm the one that had him arrested".

"What…what….what….you….you….you."

Ken looked over at Steve and said "California public schools"

Titus then yelled "WHY DID YOU HAVE HIM ARRESTED".

"He knows what he did, ask him."

"Fine I will". Titus went up to Dave's holding cell. The holding cell was a closed off room with a glass window separating it from the other parts of the police station. Christopher asked "Dave what did you do". Dave just looked at him funny. Papa Titus then said "He can't hear you". Dave put his hand on the glass window and Titus put his hand on Dave's.

Papa Titus laughed and said "Isn't that sweet, two brothers joined at the WUSSY".

A cop came up to Papa Titus and handed him some forms telling him to fill them out. Papa Titus still laughing said "Look at me, I'm fighting crime."

Titus pulled the cop aside and asked him "Could you get a message to my brother in there?"

"Sure, what do you want me to tell him" asked the cop.

"Tell him not to worry and that no matter what he did; his big brother is here to help him out of it"

The cop went over to the window, flipped a switch and yelled "DON'T WORRY YOUR BIG BROTHERS HERE AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID, HE'S GUNNA HELP YOU OUT OF IT"."

Titus looked at the cop and with a cold stare said "Thank you." He then turned to Dave and asked "Dave can you hear me". Dave nodded. "So what happened?" Then Dave started making various hand motions and gestures but not saying a word. Titus got fed up with it. He then pounded on the glass telling Dave "If you can hear me, I can here you MORON".

"I heard that" said Dave

2 minuets later, Tommy ran in screaming "Titus, can I have a quarter for the meter?" cop walked by saying "Yellow Subaru"

"Yeah"

"Too late"

"DAMN, this is all Dave's fault. What is it this time; did they find his marijuana plants? Then Tommy quickly shut up as soon as he realized that he was in the middle of a police station.

**Smoke a little pot at school, you get suspended. Make pot into a nonfat creamy sandwich spread, you become an honors student.**

10 years ago

Dave had just given the principal his new sandwich spread, which the principle was clearly enjoying. "So I'm graduating right" said Dave has he handed the principal another jar of "sandwich spread".

"Valedictorian and we'd like you to come back next year as a teacher."

Dave took out another jar of spread and asked "Girls volleyball coach"

"Why not"

Dave just smiled and said "California public schools"

(Now)

"Dave what the hell happened" asked Titus.

Dave replied "Dad went nuts when he found out I moved out and had me arrested for stealing my own stuff."

"It's my VCR" remarked Papa Titus.

Titus went to the cop that ticketed Tommy's Subaru and said "Officer, this is ridiculous, that's his son in there. Just let him out."

Tommy ran up and with his disturbingly high pitched voice said "You are destroying a loving family."

Titus couldn't help but burst out laughing and said "Thank you Tommy that was a tension breaker."

The cop then stated "We can't release him unless your father drops the charges."

Titus then went up to his dad who was reading aloud from the form he got "Does the perpetrator have any recognizable scars"

Titus remarked "Only emotional"  
"There's no box for that, I'll just check other".

Tommy came up to him and said "Christopher let me try. Mr. Titus, this is something my father taught me." He put his hands up and said "Father and son start together". He put his hands together. "And then they grow apart". He took his hands apart. "Until the sons ready to be a man". He made his hands into fist. "And then they grow together again". He put his hands back together.

Papa Titus looked at Christopher and asked "Could you get him away from me?"

Christopher walked towards Dave's cell saying "This can't just be about a VCR. Dave, what else did you do?"

Dave answered "I was just moving out".

Ken stated "Well I didn't know that"

"Because Titus told me not to tell you".

Papa Titus then looked at Christopher and pointed at him saying "You"

Tommy did the same "You."

Dave also pointed saying "Him".

And Christopher stood for awhile and said "I said don't tell Dad. But I also said …." He turned to Dave who was leaning on the glass window and said "Don't tell dad I told you not to tell dad".

Dave smiled stupidly and said "Oh yeah"

Titus hit the window his head was leaning against and Dave jerked back.

**The only way to tell my dad your plans is to write it on a note, tie that to a brick then throw it though his window. Of coarse now dads armed with a brick.**

(17 years ago)

Kens third wife was all packed up. She said "I'm leaving Ken. I've had it." Ken kept his eyes on the news paper and said "Fine, I'm sure a 40 year old woman with two kids and big hips won't have any trouble finding another husband".

With that, she dropped her bags and Ken pulled out a twenty and said "Welcome home, now why don't you go buy yourself something sexy". Then she took the money and Ken took a sip from his beer.

(Now)

"So this is your fault, you told Dave not to tell him" said Tommy to Christopher.

Christopher motioned to Ken and said "Because all he does is mess with peoples minds"

"Your right I do" said Ken.

"See, your doing it right now"  
"No I'm not

"Yes you are"

"All right I am"

"STOP IT"  
"STOP WHAT."

Tommy yelled "ENOUGH. Mr. Titus, will drop the charges is Dave gives back the VCR?"  
"No, he needs to learn a lesson."

Ken looked over to Steve the cop and said "Hey Steve Jr., where's your dad? Isn't he working tonight?"

"He's in rehab" Steve.

"Rehab, well you tell him for me that Kent Titus said he's a WUSSY."

"I just don't get why he's so pissed. I moved out exactly the same way and I stole his tools" said Christopher.

"Ah hu, ah hu, ah hu, ah hu. You're the person he's trying to teach a lesson to." said Tommy.

"Me?"

"Ah hu, ah hu, ah hu…." Titus slapped Tommy and he said "Ok I'll stop."

**Tommy was a psyche major for a year. Six years of collage, he had seven majors: Psychology, English lit, Economics, a year of clown collage in Sarasota. But his career was cut short when he lost his baby toe in a nasty shoe explosion.**

(8 years ago)

Tommy was all dressed in his clown costume screaming "HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE MY DIPSY-DOODLE DANCE?" He started dancing and what he didn't know was before he put his clown shoes on, a kid had put a black cat in his right shoe. The shoe exploded and Tommy was screaming in pain. A midget clown dressed as fireman came running and poured a bucket of confetti on Tommy's foot. Tommy grabbed him and screamed "FIND MY TOE DAMMIT!!"

They looked for an hour but found nothing.

(Now)

"Your dad is using Dave to get back at you for all the years of trouble you caused him" said Tommy.

"I never did anything to him. And secondly, he started it" retaliated Titus.

"Oh really, the third time he got back together with his fourth wife, you didn't come to the party."

"She smelled like feet"

"Alright, you blew the transmission out from his TR-3"

"It was a stick, I was 9".

"Did you ever do that to one of your cars"

"No I learned when I was nine"

"You set fire to his boat"

"I was giving a Viking funeral to G.I.Joe"

"Did you ever set fire to your boat, or your car…?"

"Alright, alright, I got it you nine toed clown"

**I've always tried to prove something to my father, that I was smart, that I was talented… That I was his kid**

(10 years ago)

"Where the hell do you think your going" asked Ken.

"I'm 17 that's where the hell I'm going. I'm a man. I don't need you anymore Dad. I mean Ken. So why don't you kiss my ass dad because I'm not coming back for a loooonnnng time" said Christopher as he walked out the door.

**Four months, two weeks, six days, nine hours later**

Christopher banged on the front door of Ken's house crying "Daddy, my key doesn't work in the door anymore. I have laundry".

Ken opened front door and with a smile on his face said "Laundry, here's some soap". He took a bottle of dish soap and squirted it on Titus's shirt. "Now find a rock and a river". He turned around and slammed the door on his son.

(Now)

"You push his buttons as much as he pushes yours" said Tommy.

Titus rolled his eyes and said "I got it."

Papa Titus was still talking to Steve the cop "Where the hell is Billy, Joey, and Dan?"

Steve said "Well, Billy retired, Joey retired and Dan blew his brains out."

"Retired, but they're my age. So, you wanna go get a drink."

"I'm on duty Mr. Titus."

"Oh come on. That never stopped your father"

"Listen to him Titus. All his buddies have retired. He's just so sad" said Tommy

"WHEN DID COPS FORGET HOW TO PARTY" screamed Ken.

Titus walked up to his Dad and said "Dad they didn't forget how to party. They just don't party with someone your age."

"My age"

"Look, I know what's going on here. You're old and you're panicking cause you lost control of Dave and me."

"I lost control"

"Thank you for facing that"  
"And you took control"

"Well, it's like you taught us dad. That's how I got Dave to move out without telling you"

"Oh so this is completely your idea"

"Sometimes you gotta take action. Like you always taught us. You know I drove the truck over, I helped unload it. And that's how I got him out of there."

"Did you here that Steve? My son helped unload the truck."

Steve yelled "I herd it".

Ken said "you know what that means?"

Titus smiled and said "You made me a man"

Then with a smile on his face, Ken said "But you made you an accessory"

Steve the cop hand cuffed Titus and dragged him to the holding cell.

Now both Titus and Dave were in the holding cell. Papa Titus was flipping the speaker switch up and down while Christopher yelled "Accessory my ass you evil son of a …. All I'm trying to do is help my…..brother cause you cant help being a….vampire, sucking all the life out of my soul you…. Sucking jerk."

"Mr. Titus, I think that having Christopher arrested is acting out in a way that's just plain unhealthy" said Tommy.

Ken smiled and said "I disagree; I had a headache before but now it's gone."

Erin walked through the front door a few minutes later. She went up to Steve the cop and asked "Excuse me officer but I'm looking Christopher…."

"Titus family reunion, its right over there" said Steve

When Papa Titus saw Erin he screamed "WHO THE HELL CALLED HER?"

Tommy nervously started to walk off saying "I don't know, I have to check my car."

Tommy ran up to Erin and said "You got my message thank god."

Erin coldly smiled and said "One night a week. I just want one night a week for myself. And look, I got it. I took a bath, went shopping, got an herbal wrap, went to the ATM so I could pick up bail money to get my boyfriend out of jail. And you know what, I'm refreshed. I feel like a mountain spring".

"You do smell fresh"

"Oh thank you, they're towing your car."

"OH GOD" after that, Tommy ran out the door.

Erin walked up to the holding cell. Papa Titus seeing how serious she was had gotten out of the way. Dave walked to the other side of the cell, away from Titus. Since the speaker had been turned off, all Titus could do was very poor sign language. Papa Titus walked up behind Erin and Titus stopped and stood in fear. Erin turned around and faced Papa Titus. All he could say was "He's lying."

**Erin has a special relationship with my father. She makes it possible for me and him to communicate. I mean without her, I'd be talking about him instead of to him………Thanks honey, nice.**

(Several months ago)

Once again, Titus and his dad were fighting. They had the unluckiness of Erin standing right their.

"I want you to hug each other" said Erin

Titus and Ken said "NO"

"Christopher, you love your father, he's taught you everything that you know"

"Erin please" said Christopher.

"Papa Titus, you love your son. Everything he does is a reflection of your love"  
"STOP IT" said Ken.

"Your fathers your life"

"No it burns" said Christopher

"Your son is the jewel of you eye"

"How long can she do this" asked Ken?

"All night" said Christopher

"She's a witch" said Ken

Erin smiled and said "I'll stop if you hug."

VERY reluctantly, they hugged for a total of 1.5 seconds.

"Now don't you feel better? You see the power of love…"

Christopher and Papa Titus covered their ears and ran out of the room trying to drown her voice out.

(Now)

Erin was pleading "Papa Titus I know that the love that you feel...""

Ken yelled "ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I'll drop the charges. But no hugging." Ken found the nearest cop and said "Release the idiots."

"Oh that's great you're doing the right thing". Erin walked up and kissed Papa Titus on the cheek.

He angrily walked off and said "Witch".

After they got out, Titus walked up to Erin and said "Thanks baby"

"OH right thank her and not me" said Ken.

Dave said "Thank you for what, locking me up like a common criminal. You know what I ought to turn around and sue your ass for false arrest."

Titus walked up to his brother and said "Dave, please listen to your inside voice right now."  
"What's it saying?" asked Dave

"Shut the hell up and get your stuff."

"Well my inside voice is rude."

After Dave walked off, Titus turned to his dad and said "Dad I know its gunna give you a tumor but you did the right thing."

Papa Titus walked off saying "Yeah ok fine, Screw it."

A cop walked by and gave Papa Titus a release form. While filling it out, Papa Titus decided to ask Titus and Erin "Hey you guys wanna go get a drink, maybe order a pizza, or rent a video."

Titus sarcastically said "Yeah, that'll be fun. Maybe we could reminisce about the time you threw your boys in jail."  
"HOW LONG ARE YOU GUNNA THROW THAT IN MY FACE"

Then Titus and His dad started arguing again until Erin screamed "STOP IT and remember that the power of love…"

Titus and Ken covered there ears and walked off.

She looked at them and said "This is great with Dave gone your dad will spend more time with us." Then realizing what she said brought a horrible vision of the future.

(Erin's vision)

Ken is drunk and he kicks his way into their house while they're eating dinner.

Titus practically wetting himself says "Hi dad"

Erin nervously goes "What a surprise, join us."

"Nice pajamas." Titus looks over to Erin and says "Go save yourself."

She runs off and Titus pulls out a bee and holds it away from his body. Kens eyes never leave the can.

(Now)

"Go talk to Dave" said Erin

"What do I say to him" asked Titus

"Just get him to move back in with him"

"I just got him to move out"  
"Just be honest with him"

**Honesty…. but it is not the way of my people**

"Dave" called Titus  
"What"  
"…..Dads dieing"

Tommy said "OH MY GOD."  
Titus said "Erin found out"

Tommy now shaking said "OH my god what is it."

"Uhhh he's got a heart thing"

"His heart. But those pig valves aren't even a year old" said Dave

"Dave think, if you have a bad heart you're not even supposed to eat pork."

"So how long does he have"  
"Could be hours, could be years. With these things you'll never know"

"That's why he had Dave arrested. Because he's lonely, he needs help, he's just to proud to ask" said Tommy.

Titus said "Hey that's good, I mean right. Hey Tommy, he is dieing so keep quiet about it."

"I got it"

Tommy walked off towards Papa Titus and Christopher started talking to Dave saying "So don't tell dad that you know. And don't tell dad that I told you not to tell dad. AND REMEMBER THAT THIS TIME."

"Man poor dad. I'm gunna be there for him" said Dave.  
"Good"

"Every Sunday"

"No no no no. If you check on him, then he'll know you know. So if you really want to fool him then move back in."

Tommy walked back up saying, "Yeah and he's gunna need help Dave. Taking showers, going to the bathroom, cleaning himself….."

Tommy was cut off by Titus saying "Tommy, he's not that sick. And remember, keep quiet about it"

"I know" said Tommy

"Dave, he's not that sick. I mean, he just needs some company. You know, someone around to answer the phone when you need to call…..911."

Dave thought as hard as his brain could and then finally said "Nope, not worth it."

"Hey, tell you what, you do this for dad and I'll buy you guys a new VCR."  
"No, dad doesn't watch videos any more. He likes that DVD thing."

"Ok then DVD player"  
"NO then dad will just get mad about how cruddy the DVD picture looks on the crappy old TV. I don't want to up set him because of his heart problem."

"DVD player, new TV"

"You know the cable in our neighborhood really sucks so dad would like a satellite…"

"You know what; dad will be dead before I buy you a satellite dish."

"Deal, dad dies I get a satellite dish"

"……Deal"

"So I have something to remember him by"

Titus just rolled his eyes and was just about ready to hit Dave.

Mean while, Erin was trying to get Papa Titus to let Dave move back in. "Papa Titus I know the love that you have…."  
"Alright alright alright he can move back in. You pain in my ASS" yelled Ken

As soon as Papa Titus got up to talk to Dave, Tommy was there going "Slow slow slow". Papa Titus assuming Tommy was just being weird asked "Will someone keep him away from me?"

Papa Titus and Dave stared each other down for the longest time until Dave broke the silence by saying "So…..Dad"

"Yeah"

"So yeah……Ok"

"Yeah Ok"

"Ok"

"This is great their talking "said Tommy.

"Not quiet" said Erin

Then Papa Titus walked closer to Dave and said "So, you admit to being a WUSSY for sneaking out and stealing my stuff"

"It was daylight and it was my piece of crap VCR" retaliated Dave.

"Now their talking" said Titus.

"I cannot believe I brought up such and idiot and a loser" said Ken

**The house will feel so empty without you son**

"You are always riding my ass and calling me a WUSSY" said Dave

**You've made me a stronger person**

"That's because you are a WUSSY"

"**You're everything I always hoped you would be **

"You need your ass kicked old man "

**I love you daddy**

"If you don't shut up I will shut you up"

**It's so beautiful I can't…..**

"I would rather rip out my eyeballs with rusty screw drivers than live with you"

"Alright, you can move back in but its gunna cost you a 100 bucks a month"

"Fine but I want my room painted"

"Agreed, you buy the paint and you paint it"

"You watch me"

Steve the cop had come up to Ken with his VCR in hand. He asked "Mr. Titus are you sure that this is your VCR?"

Ken looked at the VCR and said "Damn strait".

"We found half an ounce of marijuana in it"

Then Dave forgetting he was in a police station said "Yeah that's his piece of crap VCR but the pot is MINE".

After that, Dave was escorted back to the holding cell. He was later sentenced to 80 hours of community service. Then while serving his sentence, he incited 19 homeless people to take over a soup kitchen. A citation was issued and he was sentenced to another 100 hours of community service.

**Normal people say what they mean. My dads a pain in the ass, my girlfriends constantly pissed at me, my brothers an idiot, and Tommy annoys the crap out of me. **

_**Life is beautiful**_


	3. Chapter 3

#3

Chapter 3: The Breakup

**Normal people can live with happiness. Screwed up people will try to destroy it. My dad has been married five times. Until I was 10, I thought women were rent to own. See all I'm looking for is the perfect match. **

**See on our first date, my girlfriend Erin and I took a thermos of coffee and went on a romantic walk through the park. Except it was sprinkler night. Being chivalrous, I bolted ahead. But Erin in heels and dressed to kill never once changed stride. That was the night I fell in love with her, her strength, her composure, and you could see her nipples.**

**Eventually, we moved in together so I could see them every day. They're my friends. **

**14 months into the relationship, I realized, it's not an act. That's who she is, she's great, the perfect girl, I don't deserve this kind of happiness. How can I destroy it?**

**  
(**Yr 2000)

Erin and Titus waved good-by to another couple they were having dinner with and as soon as they went back into their house, Erin's face turned from happy to angry. She looked at Titus and said "You told that story again, are your trying to piss me off".

The story in question was about the time Erin's sister Kim hid pot in Erin's car. Erin was pulled over for speeding later that day and was issued a citation. Erin was then charged for assault when she attacked Kim with an aluminum baseball bat. The charges were dropped as Kim was later arrested for possession.

**Wow, I thought screwing this up would be a lot harder.**

"What are you talking about, you love it when I tell that story" said Titus.

"I told you to stop it" said Erin.

"Not you said" then in a girly giggling voice Titus said "Oh stop it".

"What I meant was," her voice got loud and angry "OOHH stop it"

"The you should say, OOHH stop it".

"Now you're making fun of me"

"Yeah"

"What kind of man are you"

**Erin just started a little fight which we will resolve and I'll be happy again. And frankly I'm not comfortable with that. **

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told that story" said Titus

"Thank you sweetheart, that's all I wanted to hear" said Erin as she kissed Titus.

"No thank you for calling me on that. Christine used to call me on that kind of stuff all the time."

"Christine"

"Oh man, she knew me inside and out"

"Oh and I don't know you at all"

"Oh no, don't be insecure about Christine. You're you and..." he sighed with a smile, "….Christine was Christine."

"Uh-huh"

"Man if she hadn't been killed in that car wreck who knows what my life would be like. I mean, I never would have me you."

Once Titus said that, Erin gave him a very cold stare.

**My work here is done.**

"So in other words you're breaking up with me" said Titus.

"No, no other words, those are the words."

"So were broken up"

"Yes were broken up."

"Good fine, were broken up. Let the records show that YOU broke up with ME."

"Noted"

"Fine, I'm leaving."

"No, I'm leaving."

They both rushed to the door. Titus got there first and walked out.

**Women have a post break up 36 hour "I'm gunna eat cookies and cry" period. I have a 3 minute "I don't need you anyway so I'm just gunna sleep with somebody who looks just like you to prove how much you didn't hurt me" period.**

Titus was sitting alone crying in a diner when a waitress named Tiffany asked him "What the matter."

"She broke up with me"

"Awwww, you poor baby." She bent over towards him and asked "You want some pie?"

"OK"

**Hey, she broke up with me**

The morning after, Titus arrived back at his house. He was dizzy and he had a headache. He looked up and saw Erin. He looked at here and said "I'm gunna go pack my stuff"

"No your not" said Erin.

"Oh you burned it"

"I started the whole fight; I shouldn't be insecure about another woman. Especially a dead one. I love you and I know how much you love me."

"Well…yeah"

"Just hug me. Let's just forget about last night and never bring it up again."

"I'm gunna hold you to that"

"I got you a present."

**Look at me, my cake and I'm eating it. So she brings out this monster basket of cookies and cards and cologne and poems. And as I eat her wonderful cookies and I read her beautiful words I realize, I own her ass.**

Titus sat and ate a cookie while reading a card from Erin. He said "Wow this is really beautiful."

"Thank you" said Erin

"You misspelled worship"

"No that's an "I", my tears made it run."

"Listen, since were being totally honest, there's something I gotta tell you. It's my fault. I can't blame you for annoying me if you don't know you're annoying me."

"Annoying you, I'm sorry"

"No don't apologize til you know what you're doing wrong."

"Your right, I'm sorry for interrupting you."

"It's the way you brush your teeth"

"My teeth"

(A few nights ago)

Titus stood there and watched Erin brush her teeth. She was making as much noise as possible. She kept humming the same tune over and over again. When she spit, she made a sound like a cat hacking up a hairball while hocking a lugie in the process.

(Now)

"You know nothing gets me hotter than a come hither lugie" said Titus.

"Sorry I didn't realize. I won't do it anymore. I don't want to upset my man."

"That makes me happy."

Erin had put her arm around him saying "I can make you happier."

**All this happiness is freaking me out. One day all my dreams will come true. Then what?**

**(**Titus's fantasy)

Tommy would get off the phone saying "Ford called. They want you to design your own car called the Titus"

Dave would walk up in a suit saying "You've given my life direction. I'm running for city council."

Then his Dad would walk up saying "Successful business, terrific relationships, Son I'm so proud of you."

Then Titus would say "This is great. I've never been happier. Excuse me"

Then he would run to the back room and put a gun in his mouth.

After the shot was heard, Papa Titus would say "Just as well, he peaked."

(Now)

"Aright, I'll meat you in the bedroom" said Titus as he got up from the couch. He said "just so you know I'm a little tired so this time could it just be my turn."

Erin laughed and said "I know your kidding. A stud like you would never let me go unsatisfied."

"Damn it, your right."

Just then, the phone rang.

Erin screamed "I'll get it"

"Don't forget to write it down this time."

Erin slightly annoyed picked up the phone and said "Hello…oh he's busy…sure…I'm writing it down….ok…bye. Honey"

Titus walked back into the room where Erin asked "Who's Tiffany". Titus heart stopped beating for what seemed like hours. Then all he could say was "You broke up with me. But I love you so much and I was all alone in the diner drinking some coffee and she gave me some sweet'n low and that's when……….I love you"

"You slept with her" said Erin now in tears.

"Well she said 'do you want some pie' I didn't know it was a metaphor. I love you"

"You slept with her. I had everything in my life bet on you Christopher. You were my knight in shining armor. You were the one. Now your just….another guy"

**I had destroyed my relationship……YES. Now I have something to fix. A goal. We fought for the next 12 hours. Finally, we came to an understanding. She owned my Ass.**

"I want to make it up to you" said Titus.

"You want to make it up to me. You were knee deep in waitress and you want to make it up to me. Boil yourself and then we'll talk."

"What I did was wrong. I'm scum. I'm a nats colon. I'm trash. I'm the scum inside a nats colon in the trash."

**I will do anything. I will fix this. I do not wanna be like my father. Hell my father doesn't wanna be like my father.**

(16 years ago)

"Hey, it was just a bad call" said Ken as his third wife walked out. As soon as she walked out he said "Bad call on your part. I cheated on my last wife with you. What did you think was gunna happen? Caveat emptor, baby". As soon as she walked away, he then said "God she had a great ass".

**All of dads' relationships ended the same: subpoena, beep from a moving van on backing up the driveway, and a pile of his cloths burning on the front lawn.**

**(**Now)

Titus was on the floor begging "Honey there's gotta be something I can do to make this right again."

"Ok, tell me what she looks like" said Erin.

"I don't remember"

"Oh I'm sure she must feel special. Like I do right now"

"No wait, she looked like you"

"Oh she looked like me"

"Only younger." Titus stopped and saw that what he was saying had made Erin very mad. Then he said "I mean she's younger than you and you look like her. See so as old as you are, you look really young. So if you look the way she looks now then when she looks old, than she's gunna look horrible."

"Oh that makes me feel pretty"

"What do you want from me?"

"What I wanna know is, did you think of me when you were doing her? Or did you never think of me at all"

"……………ok that's a trick question."

The phone started to ring again. Titus went for it but Erin said "Don't move. Lets see what the pie serving ho has to say" The phone kept ringing and Titus said "Oh god no more."

**(Flying a plane)**

**Both engines on fire, the gear won't deploy, controls are frozen, sucked down by a 22 year old waitress in breakaway panties.**

When the answering machine got the message, the voice was not Tiffany's. It was a guy named Randy.

**Ex-Boyfriend Randy**

**My past girlfriends had the 36 hour 'eat cookies and cry' period. Erin had the same thing except she had those cookies with a guy…..in bed……naked.**

**(**Last night)

Erin had walked up to the counter of the convenience store where Randy worked. She was crying and had a small basket full of cookies. She noticed Randy and said "Hey"

Randy smiled and asked "What did he do?"

"Can't forget his dead girlfriend"

"I get off in twenty minuets"

"Oh yeah"

"You can't eat all those cookies by yourself can you?"

She looked up and suddenly stopped crying.

**Erin as slept with her old boy friend. Therefore I must not be good enough. So I will do everything in my power to get her back. And when she comes back, l shall make her life heaven for approximately 9-14 days then dump her. Proving that I indeed am better than she. **

(Now)

"Look, we both made mistakes. Let's just leave it at that" said Erin

"You are absolutely right. I totally forgive you" said Titus.

"And I forgive you"

"Good" said Titus as he kissed Erin.

"Look at this place" said Erin noticing the mess in the house.

"I will help you" said Titus as he got up and started to pick up some trash. He couldn't help but ask, "So did you sleep with him?"

"Honey lets just leave it alone because I am with you now."

"I know, I just wanna make sure were on equal footing" said Christopher as he picked up a tray with several plates on it.

"You slept with a waitress and I hung out with an old boyfriend"

"Hung out. You know we gotta be totally honest with each other here."

"Sweetheart it doesn't matter. I am with you."

"I know, that's why I won't get mad. I just wanna know if you slept with him"

"Fine, yes I slept with him"

Titus slammed down the tray he was holding and screamed "YOU WHORE"

Erin threw some mixed nuts at him screaming "WHORE, you were the one who couldn't wait to get a slice of Tiffany pie."

"You broke up with me. I had the sleep with a waitress free card"

They moved into the kitchen where they found Dave. He looked at Titus and said "Hey bro"

"Hey bro, what the hell are you doing here" said Titus.

"Eating chicken"

"I can see that but how did you get in."

"You gave me keys for an emergency remember"

"You had a chicken emergency"

"Don't nag at me. I didn't sleep with Randy"

"How long have you been here?"

"Since….'looks like you only younger'. Hey, Tommy's here too".

Tommy walked out from the back room and said "I didn't get here till 'Pie serving ho'." He looked at Titus and said "Christopher we were worried about you, you didn't show up to work".

Erin looked at Tommy and Dave and said "So you decided to come over here, break into the house, and eat chicken."

"Its lunch time" said Dave

"Get out" said Titus

"We can stay and help" said Tommy

"Get OUT" said Titus again.

"I have experience. I had an internship" continued Tommy

"GET OUT" Screamed Titus as he pushed Dave and Tommy out the door and slammed it.

**I don't need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a 30 year seminar on the power of destroying relationships. **

**(**Ken's Seminar)

Ken would say "Gentlemen, you need to access your personal power. Look within, now if dinners not ready…." Then his audience would scream "GET THE HELL OUT BITCH".

**If you're already up to your ass in the fight, you can be the big person and think "This relationship is over. I'll end it civilly." Or, "this relationship is over, might as well crank in a couple of good shots."**

(Now)

"You know how you're worried that you're not funny then I said you had a great sense of humor. Well I was joking" said Titus.

"Ok well remember when you confessed to me that you didn't think you were smart. Well it wasn't a confession, it was an insight. OH insight, another word you can't spell" retaliated Erin.

"At least I can read at an 8th grade level. I'd like to see the SAT scores on Mr. Pump & go."

"Oh I never noticed Randy's academic skills. I was to busy watching him tower over me. He's a body builder."

"Oh yeah, well Tiffany is a…..WAITRESS."

"Oh yeah well Randy made love to me on his kitchen TABLE. Slooowww, Strooonnng. It's never been like that with you.

**Ok…..that's it…..now I'm mad**

"Get the hell out what" said Erin

"I think you herd me" said Titus

"I feel bad for you. You know the way that you were raised."

They moved back into the living room where Erin continued "The saddest part about it is that you're too weak to overcome it."

"Nah-hah"

"Oooo, Touché"

"Oooo….Nah-hah"

**The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and your lies. And has the power to lift you up and rip out your guts. It's even scarier if she knows your truths.**

"Every woman in your life has left you. Starting with your mother. Oh excuse me, mothers" said Erin.

"Oh yeah well your parents have been together 35 miserable years. IS that better? At least my dad mixes it up a bit" said Titus.

"Oh on behalf of women everywhere, I thank him."

"Hey this is not about our parents."

"Maybe it is. Somebody thought you how to be afraid of happiness."

"Maybe it was my mother. Excuse me, mothers."

"No no no, you are just like your father. Go ahead, say it. 'I Christopher Titus am my father'."

"And you say 'I Erin Fitzpatrick am my mother'."

"I Christopher Titus am a lonely untrusting angry man."

"And I Erin Fitzpatrick deserve everything that's ever happened to me because I am not good enough to love"

"And I Christopher Titus am afraid to love."

"AND I ERIN FTIZPATRICK……….had a boyfriend who cheated on me."

They both stared at each other in silence and sat down on the couch. Titus then breaking the tension said "Oh my god. I can't believe it. The first chance I get, I sleep with a waitress."

"The first chance I get, I sleep with a convenient store clerk" said Erin as she started to cry.

"Were pathetic"

"We hate ourselves"

**It's easy to be in love when you're running through the sprinklers together. **

"Ok you know the smart thing to do, the adult thing to do, is to end this Now" said Christopher.

Erin looked at him and said "I agree"

"I'm done"

"Me too."

"So it's over"

"I'm never gunna do this again."

"Me either"

They sat there in silence for then next 10 minutes until Titus asked "Will you marry me?"

Erin who's eyes had fresh tears in her eyes said "……….Yes"

Christopher reached out his hand and Erin took it.

**Normal people can live with happiness. Screwed up people will try to destroy it. Before, Erin and I had the perfect relationship. But now, no matter how frighteningly perfect things become, or how happy I am, I can relax. Because once, we cheated on each other, and know one can ever take that away. Oh, we also purchased a new stronger table.**


	4. Chapter 4

#4

Chapter 4: Mom's not Nuts

**My mom's manic depressive schizophrenic. She's been in and out of mental institutions since I was a little kid. It's comforting to know that when I was in kindergarten gluing macaroni to paper plates, my mom was in therapy gluing macaroni to paper plates. **

(22 years ago)

Papa Titus had put Christopher's paper plate on the fridge. Little Christopher also handed him another plate saying "Mom sent this one."

Papa Titus took the plate. It was titled "Satan with cheese." It was a pizza slice with glitter on it. He taped it on the fridge right above Christopher's

**Macaroni and glue, the fun side of moms' personality. But you may be surprised to know that if they don't take their medication, theirs a dark side to paranoid schizophrenia.**

(17 years ago)

Titus' mom Juanita grabbed him and said "Get down, the aliens can see you."  
"They look like trash cans mom" said Christopher trying to talk some sense into her.

"They always do. They're aliens not morons. Now go get your metal hat". Christopher ran off and his mom broke the window with a shotgun and screamed "HOW DARE YOU INVADE MY PLANET" as she fired several shots.

**Mom was elected block captain of our neighborhood watch. No one ran against her. **

(Now)

Titus and Erin walked through the front door which was for some reason unlocked.

Erin said "You didn't lock the door"

"I thought I did" said Titus.

Erin closed the door and locked it saying very seductively "well it's locked now".

Titus jumped on the couch and said "I've seen this movie"

They started to make out on the couch until Titus herd something fall. They looked towards the kitchen thinking it was a burglar. Erin said "We should call the police"

Titus said "no I got this." He picked up a baseball bat from under the couch.

Erin asked "what's that for?"

"He might have a gun"

"That fires baseballs"

"Shh"

Titus raised the bat as they waked up to the kitchen and Christopher's mom walked out holding a trey of hors d'œuvres. She smiled and said, "Christopher"

"Mom"

Erin looked at her fiancé holding a bat to his mother and said "Christopher, it's your mother, shouldn't you put down the bat?"

Titus stepped back a little and said "Nah-hah"

"Mom, how did you get out" asked Titus.

Juanita looked past him at Erin and said "You must be Erin. I'm so glad to meet you, I've herd so much about you."

Erin nervously looked at her and said "Hello Mrs. Titus. I've herd so much about you."

Juanita smiled and said "I have a reputation"

"Mom is somebody chasing you. Do we have to get ready for a shoot out? Is a Waco thing gunna happen?" asked Titus

Juanita placed the hors d'œuvres on the table and said "Relax Christopher, I didn't escape. I'm all better."

Titus finally lowered the bat and said "Well congratulations. You're not allowed in my house. Now pack your explosives and get out."

Erin pinched Titus and said "Let's not make your mother angry"

"Honey, this is not a drill. This is not Tommy dressed as mom. This is mom."

His mom laughed and reassured him "I'm fine Christopher. If you don't believe me than call Dr. Williams."

"I will. I got him on speed dial."

"Good it will give us girls time to know each other" said Mrs. Titus motioning to Erin.

Erin nervously laughed and said "I guess I got the head start there."

Titus scared for Erin's life said "honey, you're in her kill zone."

Erin quickly started backing up from Mrs. Titus.

**There are certain things that will get you released from a mental care facility. Years of good behavior, positive psychological profile, an axe. **

"I'm sorry Juanita. He can't seem to let go of your…..felonies." said Erin.

"And he's right, I was crazy. Oh he's such a smart boy but he's stubborn. He never lets go of things" said Juanita.  
"God knows that's true" said Erin as she suddenly moved closer to Mrs. Titus.

Titus came back in with Juanita's suitcase saying "Hey mom it was good to see you. Come visit again when they burn out the other side of your brain."

"Alright, sweet heart obviously my being here is upsetting you. Let me take the yams out of the oven and I'll go" said Juanita. She then got up and went into the kitchen.

Erin looked at Christopher and nagged "Christopher, she made dinner"

"Don't turn now. That's how she gets you" said Titus.

"She hasn't gotten me but she is funny. You never told me she was funny."

"She saves her best jokes for when she's reloading."

"Your right, I'm sorry. So what did the doctor say? Has she been released?"  
"Apparently"

"So, she's all better."

"Allegedly"

"But that's good news isn't it."

Titus picked up Juanita's purse and started going through it saying "Yeah for her cell mate. I bet she's not taking her medication." He then found what he was looking for and said "Ah-ha, nail file, clean-ex, and lipstick."

Erin thinking Titus was being uber-paranoid sarcastically said "Good god, she's a woman."

Titus looked at her and said "There's no medication"

Juanita came out of the kitchen and said "Hun can you put these in my purse?" She tossed a bottle of pills and Erin caught it while Titus ducked as though it were a bomb.

Erin looked at Titus cowering on the floor saying "Thank you white knight." She looked at the bottle and read "MYOCET, take one every four hours. There you go. She's medicated"

"Oh she took you like that" said Christopher as he snapped his fingers.

"Christopher, she's not naked, she's not toting a gun, I think she's Ok."

"That's the bar she's gotta clear. Unarmed and Dressed"

"This is ridiculous"

They walked into the kitchen were Erin asked if Juanita would stay for dinner. Titus not liking the idea at all asked "can't we just wrap her up a plate."

"No, this is half my house and she's staying" said Erin

"Well then what was the point of drilling?"

Then Erin realized that Juanita had cooked a very big meal. She commented "Theirs enough here to feed twenty people."

"Yeah and there is only three of us" said Titus.

"I invited everyone. I hope that's ok" said Juanita.

"Oh, you mean your 'friends' mom" said Titus.

"No, I mean your father, your brother and Thomas."

Then they herd the door open.

"Hello is anyone home" said Tommy as he walked through the door.

Titus looked at Erin and said "Finally, a little back up."

He walked into the living room where Tommy was doing signals and scanning the house saying "Titus…Hi…boy it was warm out today wasn't it…..strange weather were having this time of year." Tommy then hugged Titus saying "Shh, I'm the decoy, Dave is sneaking around back. Is she packing heat?"

Titus looked at him funny and said "No Mugsey, I don't think so".

"I brought my cell phone incase she cuts the lines."

"Thank you for sticking to the drill"

Mrs. Titus and Erin waked in and Mrs. Titus said "Thomas."

Tommy instantly got behind Titus who pushed him away. He said "Hi"

"Goodness, you've grown into such a handsome young man".

"You look good too Mrs. Titus. How are you?"

"I'm fine Thomas"

"No I mean _How are you_."

**Tommy majored in psychology for a year. Then mom used her connections at the nut farm sorry, Rehabilitation Center to get him a summer job.**

**(**8 years ago)

"Mrs. Titus, are you sure I'm gunna get collage credit for this?" asked Tommy as he was being hooked up to a ECT machine.

"Yes Thomas" said Juanita as she shoved a cork plate in his mouth.

"What's this for" asked Tommy.

"To keep you from biting through your tongue" replied Juanita as she turned the machine on.

(Now)

"I'm on MYOCET. It's fabulous" said Juanita trying to calm Tommy.

"Oh that got past the monkey trials. How did they counter the kidney failure?' said Tommy.

"They took out the norazine. Someone hasn't kept up with his studies."

"That's what my mom says"

"That's because she loves you and who wouldn't. You matured into someone who can stand up for himself. Handsome, strong, charming."

"Oh stop it"

Titus still raiding Juanita's stuff said "Yeah mom stop trying to get Tommy on your side."

"Excuse me, ok I can stand up for myself and decide which side I'm gunna be on and don't talk to your mother like that" said Tommy.

"You weak basterd"

"Titus, MYOCET is strong stuff. I think your mom's back."

"She's not back. She's just at large"

Then Dave waked in from the kitchen and asked "Hey Tommy I forgot, do I call the cops when I get to 50 or 100."

"David"

Dave froze as soon as he herd Mrs. Titus. Titus looked at his brother and said "Dave, whether you move or not, she can see you."

Dave slowly turned around and said "Hey Mrs. Titus. You look a lot less puffy than when last time I saw you."

"Oh Dave, you could always turn a girls head."

Juanita looked over at Titus and said "If you're done going through my bag sweetheart, I'd like to freshen up before Ken arrives."

"OK mom but I'm keeping your clippers, your tweezers, your eyelash curlers, and your cotton swaps."

"NO problem dear" said Juanita as she took her purse back.

Tommy looked at Titus asking "Why cotton swabs"

He replied "Put it in your ear, slam it once. DEAD."

"Would you just drop this" said Erin.

"Don't you guys see what she is doing here? Come on, she has moved into the guest room and she has cooked dinner."

"OH my god, that makes her our best guest ever" said Erin.

"Dave, you know what she has done. Ok, catch her before she gets to her bedroom and find out why she's here" said Titus.

"Ok and how do I do that" said Dave

"You know that thing you do where people think your stoopid? Do that."

"I can't just turn it on". Dave then popped his fingers and went in the kitchen and came out a few seconds later eating a bowl of yams

Titus asked "What are you doing"

"Your mom makes killer yams."

"You didn't even talk to her"

"She gave me the yams"

"And you're eating them."  
"No one who's crazy can make yams this good."

"Christopher please just for tonight can't we all just have a normal family meal" said Erin.

Then Ken Titus waked through the door saying "I herd loony tunes made dinner. I'm surprised, usually the turkey's saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it."

**Thanksgiving mom took a gun to the turkey……A very special episode**

"Where is she" asked Ken

"She's prowling around the guest room" replied Titus.

"She's not prowling" said Erin.

"She's freshening" said Tommy.

Ken then asked "did you lock her in there, take her shoe laces, pat her down for weapons?"

"I am so glad you're here" said Titus as he hugged his Dad.

**My dad is a negative, judgmental, pain in the ass, who destroyed my self esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent paranoid schizophrenic. GOD I LOVE MY DAD**

(10 years ago)

Christopher and Ken were holding the door back trying to keep out Juanita. Suddenly she stopped trying. Christopher stepped back and said "I think she's gone."

Ken said "Keep low and don't breathe." Suddenly they herd the back door slam shut. After that, the two of them took off out of the front door.

(Now)

"Erin, Tommy, and Dave think she's sane" said Titus.

"Oh yeah, wanna see my scars" said Ken.

"Dad, maybe you should wait outside"

"No no no. It's better to be the hunter than the hunted. Why give her the element of surprise."

"Hello Ken" said Juanita who came up from behind him.  
"AAAAAAHHHHHH" screamed Ken. He looked at her and said "Dammit Juanita" Then noticing how tight the shirt she was wearing was suddenly said "Juanita, you look really good."

"Why thank you Kenneth and you are as hansom as ever"  
Christopher noticed the flirtation and said "Dad, dad don't go into the light"

Ken and Juanita then passionately kissed and Titus had this look of udder dread on his face as he cried "Daddy".

"Oh, I forgot to open the wine. Kenneth, can you give me a hand" said Juanita as she led Ken to the kitchen.

"I'll give you a couple" said Ken as they left the room.

"Christopher, even your dad can see that she's fine. Maybe, she's fine" said Erin.

"You can't deny the magic between them" said Tommy.

"I love yams" said Dave

"Well I can accept you falling" said Titus to Erin.

"And you" he said to Tommy.

"And you, you jar headed yam eater" he said to Dave.

"But dad, dad's been there. He's felt the bone shattering ravel of her evils. She's flossed little chunks of dad out of her teeth. Well I'm not letting her do this to him again."

"Christopher, this is you fixing something that isn't broken. Remember Easter, dead baby chicks all over the front lawn" said Erin

"Remember rewriting the poem for Cathy. I still have to stay 500 feet away from her" said Tommy.

"Remember the washing machine" said Dave

"The washing machine was broken and I fixed it" said Titus.

"I'm sorry, what are the rules" said Dave not even knowing what the other two were getting at."

"That's it, I'm saving Dad" said Titus grabbing his bat.

He went into the kitchen and came back out in 3 seconds. He said "Too late."

"What happened" asked Erin

"They're kissing. My mother and father are kissing" said Titus with a look of disgust on his face.

**Mom lives life on an emotional roller coaster. Dad loves roller coasters. And you gotta be at least 4ft tall to ride mom. She has always been beautiful and sexy, sweet and loving, talented and brilliant. But every time that roller coaster went up, it came down and it rattled a bit, then careened wildly into the next corner on two wheels, and finally derailed crushing dad and I beneath it. **

Titus walked back into the kitchen then turned around to the counter and said "Dad what are you doing?"

Ken got up from the floor with his pants down and his hair messed up saying "Didn't I explain all this to you when you were five."

"Dad, she is doing it again. I am trying to protect you."

"Protect me from what. A beautiful heavily medicated woman who wants to bow to my every wish."

"Which part of you is speaking dad, you or your gonads?"

"Right now they have power of attorney. Son, I don't need your help.

"Fine, guess the only thing left to do now is recharge the fire extinguishers, wrap myself in Kevlar and go to bed."

After Titus left the kitchen, his mom went after him asking "Christopher what's wrong?"

"Mom, you can fool everyone else but not me" said Titus.

"You still don't believe that I'm better."

"Would you"  
"Hun, ever since she got here, you have acted amazingly bad. Way beyond your usual bad. Juanita has been kind" said Erin

"She's been loving and supportive" said Tommy

"She made all the food" said Dave.

"Hey hey hey, everyone please. Christopher is absolutely right. There is no reason to trust me. I was never their when he was growing up. I was locked up somewhere getting some kind of treatment. And when I was there, I was just too batty to be a good mother. I have been the worst mother ever. Christopher, I need to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the pills, and the doctors, and the breakouts, and the captures, and the birthdays and everything. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry I did so many crazy things. Ands its gunna take more than one night to get you back. I know its gunna take time but I so want us to be a real family again. I hope that we can."

Christopher looked at his mom and saw the tears of sincerity in her eyes.

**What this woman could have taught me. What his woman could have shown me. I've been mad about it for a really long time. There's nothing I want more than for her to be sane. Recently, emotional rollercoaster technology has improved greatly. As long as mom takes her medication, maybe it's worth taking another ride.**

Christopher took his mom's hand and said "Mom……glad your better."

"Very nice" said Erin

"That's very touching" said Tommy

"You're such a girl" said Dave as he nudged Tommy.

"Juanita" called Ken. He came in and said "Come on Juanita, we've got some catching up to do.

Juanita rolled her eyes and said "Ken, still the romantic."

She looked over at Titus and said "Well, now you kids sit down and eat dinner. I didn't slave all day for it to get cold. She then went into the guest room with Ken.

**All right, I love my mom. Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be able to protect myself. Without her in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives. **

After eating, Titus said "God my mom can cook"

"What's that stuff in turkey that knocks you out" asked Dave slurring his words a little.

"Tryptophan" answered Tommy.

"Christopher, it will be great for both of us to have a real mom around" said Erin. Then for some strange reason, she started singing.

"What's that stuff in turkey that knocks you out" asked Dave again.

"TRYPTOPHAN" yelled Tommy

"You know Christopher it……" Erin couldn't even finish her sentence before she started singing again. She then fell asleep into the mashed potatoes."

"Nobody makes turkey dinner like my mom. Those little pilgrim cookies with the little chocolate suits, Homemade candies, candied yams, yam covvverddd hammm, cranberry jammmm in the shape of a cannnnnn."

Tommy and Dave had now fallen asleep thinking of food and Titus took another bite of mashed potatoes. He spit something out and said "spit a pillll into my hannnnd."

He read the pill and said "MYOCET. See with Tryptophan, you can still feeeeeel your legs."

Then Ken came running out in his underwear screaming "Christopher, Christopher, call the police, HELP"

Juanita walked behind him holding a wine bottle laughing. She smiled at him and said "They can't help you WUSSY. I put all of my MYOCET in the gravy and they won't wake up until after your funeral."

"Christopher, Erin, call 911." Screamed Ken as he ran towards the door

Christopher screamed "NINE"

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**

"ONE" screamed Christopher.

"Dammit Juanita, why are you doing this" said Ken.

"You ruined my life you basterd" screamed Juanita as she broke the wine bottle. "You're the reason we never had a normal family. Not me, now it's time to pay."

Ken bolted out of the door. Juanita screamed "Run faster Kenneth. I've been sprinting every morning, I need the workout." Then she ran after him.

"ONE" Finished Christopher.

Christopher looked at Erin, picked her head up out of the potatoes and said "Honnney, weeee neeed to drillll morrrre." He then licked the gravy off her forehead.

**My mom is a manic depressive schizophrenic. Drugging the Family, trying to kill dad, high speed police chase. Norman Rockwell is bleeding, never again mom.**

**(The phone rings)**

**Hello…..Yeah I know mom. Your always sorry……yeah you did look pretty on the news**


	5. Chapter 5

#5

Chapter 5: Episode Eleven

**In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds, because a crisis is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds. My dads from that era where you lived till fifty, your heart exploded, and that was that. You know how when you cook bacon you pour the grease into a can, my dad was the can.**

**(**Last year)

Papa Titus had come out of the store with a bag of food. Titus looked at him and said "Dad, you've had 3 heart attacks, I want you to start taking care of yourself."

"I am, the doctor put me on a light diet. Menthol light, and Miller Light" said Papa Titus as he lit up a cigarette and opened a beer.

**My dad's 3****rd**** heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because "They won't let me smoke in the ambulance" and you can't make a burger run. **

(A year and a half ago)

Papa Titus had pulled up to the drive through window of a McDonalds. He asked the clerk "No cheese right, I've got a heart problem." He then clenched his right arm and drove towards the hospital.

**Every family has something special about them. Brains, athletic ability, my family has heart attacks. But it's ok because, my dad belongs to an HMO. He really liked there slogan "Hey, were better than a prison doctor."**

**(**Now yr2000)

"Papa Titus has been in that room for an hour. You have to tell me something" said Erin. She was talking to a nurse. The nurse was named Cathy. Papa Titus had yet another heart attack.

The nurse replied "You can say Papa Titus all day. You are still the girlfriend of the son of the victim. We don't talk to you."

"We, you're the only one here."

"I speak for the hospital but not to you."

Titus and Dave ran in. Titus found Erin and screamed "Honey, I got your message. I only herd the word hospital. Are you ok?"

Erin was only speaking in high pitched crying words. Titus hugged her to calm her down.

"OK so what happened" asked Titus

"Your father had a heart attack, ran a red light, and wrecked his car."

"See, that was easy, oh crap."

Dave looked over to someone exiting Papa Titus's room and said "Hey its Tommy"

Erin looked over to nurse Cathy and yelled "You let him in the room, he's not even family."

"His attitude was a lot better than yours" said Nurse Cathy.

"Tommy, how's dad" asked Titus

"I am not talking to you. Does the word patricide mean anything to you" said Tommy

"Patricide, to kill your father, I looked it up when I was eleven. What are you talking about" said Titus

"By kill your father, lets see, you tried to kill your father. How dose it feel father killer."

"Did you patricide dad" asked Dave

"NO" said Titus

"He tried. Mr. Titus wanted to take a date out on his boat. And he spent 3 angry hours trying to start it because some heart attack causing moron. DON'T hit me, his words not mine. Took the distributor cap" said Tommy.

Titus was left speechless.

Tommy, Erin, and Dave waited for Titus to explain but all he could say was "Your acting like he never tried to kill me."

"I almost killed dad because I took his distributor cap" yelled Titus

"Well you must feel terrible" said Dave

"You were with me"

Dave shut up and put his hands in his pockets and Titus continued "Dave we did not cause dads heart attack."  
"We I think somebody should do something nice for him" said Tommy

Titus, Erin and Dave looked at him and Tommy rolled his eyes and said "I'll go get the flowers" and he walked towards the gift shop.

"Honey, I know that you really didn't do anything to cause your father to have a heart attack" said Erin

"Damn Right" said Titus

"But evidently he thinks that you did. So is it possible that you maybe acted the way that you act and it caused his heart to maybe…..pause?"

**I've been blamed for stuff since I was born. Literally since I came out. I still had goop on me.**

(27 years ago)

"You ruined my life you bastard" screamed Juanita after she had given birth to Christopher.

"Welcome to the world Christopher. Thanks to you I have to marry that psycho. Yes I do. Your mommy has four distinct personalities. Yes she does" said Ken as he was cradling Christopher.

(Now)

"Dave come on lets go" said Titus

"Where are you going" asked Erin

"I'm gunna go straiten him out: said Titus.

"I'm not going in their" said Dave

"You helped" said Titus

Dave replied "Damn your logic"

"Honey, that last person you dad needs to see right now is the guy who tried to kill him. He's weak and tired" said Erin.

"We should go now" said Dave

"Christopher honey, don't" begged Erin

"Honey, I know a little more about this than you do" said Titus

(A month ago)

"Christopher honey, don't" begged Erin. She and Titus were on a ski trip and Titus was about to go down a slope marked 'no skiing beyond this point.'

Titus laughed and said "Honey, I know a little more about this than you do."

**Erin and I have been together long enough so she knows who I am and likes me. She sees a certain charm and cuteness to my stupidity. You know, the way people like Canada.**

"Ready" said Titus

"Yeah I'm ready" answered Erin

Then Titus went down the hill on his snowboard and Erin dialed ski patrol. As she did this, Dave came up and followed his brother.

(Now)

Christopher and Dave stood in front of Papa Titus's bed. Titus asked "Hey dad can I get you something."

"See if you can trade yourself in for a Korean kid" said Ken.

Titus noticed the offended look on the nurse who happened to be Asian. But Ken continued "I'll name him Ho John Titus."

"Dad"

"Ho John wouldn't steal my distributor and I could probably pick him up for a pack of cigarettes "

"Why don't you ask if she can help" said Titus motioning to the nurse.

Ken looked at her and said "You know where I can get a Korean boy."

"DAD"

"Excuse me" said the nurse

"Well you people know how to work hard and you respect your parents. Don't you baby?"

"I'm Japanese and I'm from Fresno, baby."

"How come you're not designing computers?"

"Because then I wouldn't get to meat nice white devils like you." And with that, the nurse left the room.

"So you crawled in to apologize for giving me a heart attack" said Ken

Dave immediately surrendering said "Yes father"

Titus not as submissive as Dave said "Oh here we go. Dad we didn't do anything."

"CAN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE TO ME FOR FIVE MINUETS" screamed Ken.

"Dad, you've been smoking and drinking your whole life" said Titus.

"HEY HEY, I SMOKED AND I DRANK FOR 25 YEARS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN AND I NEVER HAD A HEART ATTACK."

"I can't argue with that. Dad the only way a distributor can cause a heart attack is if I stabbed you in the heart with it."

Just then, Ken started flat lining. Ken grabbed his heart. Titus, Dave, and Ken looked at the machine, dumfounded. Ken was flat lining but he didn't seem to be suffering. The doctor and Japanese nurse rushed in with a defibrillator ready to use it. The Doctor screamed "CLEAR"

Ken screamed "HEY WAIT NO, CLEAR. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, PAD THE BILL? CHECK THE OTHER GUY."

The Japanese nurse said "Doctor he's right, the monitors got switched."

**HMO's we like to save lives but we don't get all freaky about it.**

The man next to Ken died. Ken looked over and said "Makes you stop and think doesn't it."

Titus looked at him and said "yeah dad'

"I wonder what his kid did to him."

**Suddenly I realized that my dad is no longer the ass kicking god he was. He's just a man, frail, mortal, heart attacky. So now I have a choice. I can be right or I can keep my dad.**

"I'm sorry" said Christopher.

"Sorry" said Papa Titus surprised. He continued "Sorry means that you admit that it was you're….."

"Fault, I'm sorry, I did it, and I'm responsible."

"I was a pawn" said Dave

"What can I do to make it up to you" asked Titus.

"There's nothing you can do. Of coarse my car was totaled" hinted Ken.

"I'll fix it. It will be just like new."

"New would be better"

"A NEW CAR"

Ken started to grab his chest.

"Ok, ok, you can have…..my classic…1956 Chevy with the corvette suspension" said Titus.

"He said NEW" said Dave"

"Well either way, you can't give me a new heart can you boy" said Ken.

"You could give him yours" said Dave.

**Growing up I was always in trouble. But it wasn't enough for my father to just punish me, he had to humiliate me. Well he didn't have to but it's his favorite part.**

(10 years ago)

Titus was sleeping off a hangover when Ken yelled "You didn't do the dishes after your little lasagna party."

Titus yelled "I'll do them when I get up"

Ken threw a batch of lasagna on Titus face and yelled "wakey wakey"

(Now)

Ken now had Christopher and Dave clipping his toenails. He said "This is nice."

Erin walked in soon after. She looked at Titus and Dave and started laughing. Titus looked at her with a glare and she said "I'm sorry. Sorry to pull you away from whatever that is but there is a police officer waiting to talk to Papa Titus about the accident."

"What the police want to give me a ticket for having a heart attack" said Papa Titus.

"Hey dad, this is something I can do for you. I will handle this" said Christopher.

He then walked up to Erin and asked "Honey can you take over for me. I stopped at the little piggy that had the roast beef." Then he handed her a pair of toenail clippers.

Dave followed his brother and said "Save the clippings, it may be all we have left of him." Erin just stood there dumbfounded.

Titus and Dave found the cop. The cop instantly recognized him "Titus right, I arrested your bother."

Titus now remembering Steve the Cop said "yeah, good times."

"So where's your dad I need to talk to him."

"Yeah, he's breathing through a tube right now. I'll be dealing with this"

"All right maybe you'll find this interesting. The intersection where your father had his 'heart attack' has a camera system that takes a picture of your car when it runs a red light." Steve the Cop then pulled out some pictures.

Titus asked "What's that furry thing in his lap?"

Steve then showed him another picture.

"It's not there now"

Steve pulled out another picture.

"There it is again."

Steve said "Her names Angela. She's up on the 8th floor getting a CAT scan."  
Dave stood there and like an idiot asked "what's the furry thing."

**Driving with a woman's head in your lap, fun but dangerous. Driving with a woman's head in you lap while not wearing a seatbelt, still fun more dangerous. Driving with a woman's head in your lap, not wearing a seatbelt, getting in an accident and blaming me, well looks like the heads in the other lap NOW huh.**

Titus looked at the pictures and said "If you flip them fast it looks like a short porno."

Dave looked at the pictures and said "Yeah, no plot though. Why would dad lie about having a heart attack."?  
"Yeah, why wouldn't he just say he had sex in the car?"

"Maybe he doesn't want to embarrass the woman" said Steve.

Dave and Titus started to laugh uncontrollably.

"Gentlemen if we decide to press charges, your dad will loose his license and he may have to register as a sex offender" said Steve.

"Alright" said Dave happily.

"Dave" said Titus.

"Dude that will be hilarious" continued Dave.

"Dave look, why let the cops humiliate dad when we could do it. I mean this is like a revenge piñata Filled with little chunks of dad."

"Like when I opened that Pepsi and under the cap it said I won a hat"

"Its like double that."

Titus and Dave turned back to Steve and asked "So what do you want"

Steve looked at Titus and said "You own a custom car shop. I want my Viper flamed."

"And I want my pot Back" said Dave to Steve.

Titus smacked Dave over the head and said "We're bribing him"

"But he already has my pot"

Titus smacked his brother again, looked over at Steve and said "I'll paint your car."

Steve looked over at Dave and said "And"

"I apologize for my brother."

"Deal" and with that, Steve left.

"Its payback time" said Titus

"It is difficult to fight against anger, for a man will buy revenge with his soul" said Dave.

Titus looked at him wondering if his brother had suddenly grown a brain.

Dave said "Heraclites 500bc."

"You scare the crap out of me" said Titus

Erin walked out of Papa Titus' room and said "He's asleep finally. I gave him a foot massage. He said he wanted his feet to feel as nice as they look."

"You must feel dirty" said Titus.

"And angry" added Dave.

"Dirty and Angry. I mean you took the day off work. You're probably getting an ulcer from worrying about him so much. To top it off, you had to massage his feet" said Titus.

"What is wrong with you" said Erin suspiciously.

Titus then showed Erin a picture

"That's your dad" said Erin.

"Look closer" said Titus.

"What the hell is that furry thing in his lap?"

Titus changed the pictures.

"It's not there now"

He once again changed them.

"There it is again."

"Angela" said Titus.

Erin's eyes grew wide and she gasped for air. She all of a sudden cried out in disgust "I massaged his feet"

"Oh we're with you."

"That is not a heart attack, that is…"

"OH please say it, I love it when you say it"

"That is not driving safely. Your dad doesn't need to worry about his heart anymore, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO RIP IT OUT."

"No, no honey come on, we're gunna get revenge. We're just gunna get it slow, methodical, mean," Titus then put his arms around Erin and Dave and continued "Like dad would."

"He is gunna be so proud" said Dave.

Tommy walked back in with a bouquet of flowers. He said "I got him flowers, so how's your dad doing. Have you done all the test, the EKG, The cardiac catheterization, the echo cardiogram?"

"OH, Dad needs Test" said Titus with an innocent look on his face.

**After Tommy got his toe blown off in clown collage, he tried pre med for a year. He was brilliant with the chemistry. But what he couldn't handle was when good pigs die. **

(8 years ago)

"Breath, breath Dammit" Tommy yelled as he gave mouth to mouth to an obviously dead pig.

His teacher came up to him and said "Mr. Shafter that pigs been in a jar for 7 months."

"You call yourself a doctor" said Tommy as he continued to "Revive" the pig.

(Now)

"Yeah, I don't know if they've done any test for poor dad" said Titus.

"Oh you'd know if they did a cardiac catheterization. It's a very painful test. You think he needs one" said Tommy"

"Oh yes we do Tommy. He's a sick, sick man" said Erin.

"Ok but they have to run a tube from his groin up to his heart" said Tommy

"Really"

"He has to lie still for like 6 hours and that's not the worst part"  
"What the worst part" asked Titus

"They have to shave him from his groin to his stomach" said Tommy.

"Slow" said Dave

"Methodical" said Erin

"And Mean" said Titus

**Lancaster heart foundation states that its 216 more likely that you'll die of a heart condition in an HMO than in a regular hospital. They're inept mercenaries that frankly don't give a damn about the patient. How can I use that to my advantage?**

Tommy, Erin, Dave, and Christopher walked back into Papa Titus' room and the doctor who was in there said "Well Mr. Titus good news. We're releasing your father."

Tommy spoke up "no, no he had a Heart Attack."

"And the police report will say 'accident caused by heart attack' right" asked Ken. 

"Not until they've done test. Have you done test" asked Tommy

The Doctor said "We did Test"

"Well what kind of test did you do, shine a flash light in his mouth" yelled Titus.

"And…………Other stuff" said the Doctor.

"If your release this man and he goes through those sliding doors and keels over well…"

"ITS YOUR ASS" screamed Dave

"What do want me to do" asked the Doctor

"Cardiac Catheterization" said Tommy.

"I don't need that" said Ken

"Yes you do" said Tommy

"Well that's an expensive test, are you sure you had a heart attack" asked the Doctor.

"Hell yes" said Ken

"Well come on why would he lie? Who goes around faking heart attacks? Right Dad" said Titus.

"……….Right" said Ken nervously.

"So he needs and he's getting a cardiac catheterization because he's my dad and I……love him." Titus started to pretend cry and continued "I wanna go to the park and throw the ball around with you again."

"I want you to push me on the swing dad, one more time" said Dave

"When did we do that" asked Ken

**It is difficult to fight against anger, for a man will buy revenge with his soul. Heraclites, 500 BC. My Dad's pubes are toast. Christopher Titus, 2000 AD.**

"Ok everyone out, I gotta shave him" said the Japanese Nurse.

As everyone left, Ken yelled "You gotta SHAVE ME"

"Yeah, cost me a pack of cigarettes but it's worth it" she said with a smile

"Wait, wait, wait, I made this sound a lot more serious than it was" said Ken

"Oh you didn't have a heart attack then what happened Papa Titus please tell me" said Erin.

"No, no, no, I had a heart attack….."

"Because we want the best care possible for you. Because….we love you."

Tommy, Dave, And Christopher insincerely professed there love for Ken.

"Well I love you too but…"

"SHAVE HIM. Let's go guys" said Erin as they walked out the door.

"Wait, wait, wait" screamed Ken but the Japanese Nurse cut him off and in a stereotypical Asian accent said "Oh no, no, no, don't you worry cho I be very careful. I shave you rong time."

**Nicked it**

Ken lied in his bead staring at his bald crotch when Christopher walked in. He said "Pop, need a little aftershave."

"I looked like a nine year old boy" said Ken. Then swallowing his pride said "Christopher, tell them to stop the test. Listen, the truth is, I didn't have a heart attack."

"Dad, don't be brave"

"No, I'm not being brave; I just don't wanna loose my drivers' license.

"What father, does that mean your fake heart attack was…"

"Fake"  
"Oh, so that would mean that your fake heart attack was not my….."  
"Fault"

"I am shocked. What ever possibly could have happened?"  
"Well it's a long story"

"I would bet a picture is worth a thousand words" said Titus as he handed his dad the pictures of him and Angela.

Papa Titus looked at the pictures speechless. He then turned to his son and with a very angry look said "You knew and you let them shave me."

"I knew and I GOT them to shave you."

"You are a son of a bitch."

"Son of a bitch, you know what I'm a son of you. I think your just mad cuz I'm still all fuzzy."

"You……..you………..you……." Ken started to grab his left arm.

Titus realizing his dad was not faking it started screaming "Dad, DAD, are you aright. DAD ARE YOU OK. DAD."

The doctor came running in screaming "Clear this room, wait outside, your fathers in cardiac arrest, wait outside."

**In a crisis, my family puts aside all there petty differences and hatreds. We come together to make the crisis worse. Dad, I'll take the heat for this one. **

**(Tears the pictures up)**

**(Ken flat lines but is brought back to stabilization)**

**Real funny dad…. (Sobs)**


	6. Chapter 6

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding #6: Titus is Dead

____Chapter 6: Titus is Dead

**I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. If you push a guys face in a cake, he's gotta clean his face. If you hit a guy with a water balloon, he's gotta dry off. A guys in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week. It's funny. You're not supposed to have a heart attack. It kills the joke. **

(Last week)

Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy were standing outside Papa Titus' room when they herd the doctor scream CLEAR. Papa Titus was revived shortly after.

Christopher said "Oh my god, we just got the nurse to shave his sack. It's a classic. It's no reason to get mad and have a heart attack. Oh god, what did we do."

Erin, Tommy, and Dave looked at him and said "We" then ditched him.

**My dad is all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars with her. I understand why. A baby sitter cost like a beer, beer and a half an hour. **

(22 years ago)

"Honey, run over to the bar and get mommy some more mommy juice" said Mrs. Titus as she handed Christopher an empty glass.

Ken walked in later and said "Juanita, this is no place for a kid." He picked up Christopher, looked over at the bartender and said "Sam, get me one to go." Ken handed Christopher the beer and said "Keep this down low, I'm driving." Ken looked back over at Juanita and said "Happy mothers day honey"

"Blah blah blah"

**In a heinous world where bad things happen, you need to be protected by someone bad and heinous. I call him Daddy. **

**(**Now yr2000)

Titus was standing in front of his dads' house when Dave walked out the front door. Dave said "Dads finally ready to talk to you."

"Really thank god" said Titus.

Ken walked out and Titus said "Dad…um hey….I…I…. I know I almost killed you and I've been thinking about it all week. I'm worthless. You think you're disappointed in me, I can't believe me. And I know what your gunna say…."

Ken spoke up and said "I wish you were still in my loins. I wish you had never grown in your mothers' womb. You should have been fetal research. YOU'RE DEAD TO ME."

Then Ken walked back into his house and slammed the door.

**(Titus flat lines)……………..clear. **

Titus knocked on Ken's door screaming "Dad" over and over again when Dave poked his head out of the window and said "I hear a voice. Could that be my deceased brother? I feel a presence."

"Open the door right NOW" demanded Titus.

"Titus if you're still with us, please leave a sign."

"Would pushing your nose bone into your brain be considered a sign?"

"Oooo your fading, I'm losing you" said Dave as he shut the window.

Dave continued "I'm gunna miss you, say hi to Hendrix. HA Ha ha"

"HA Ha ha" laughed Titus as he pulled out the keys to Kens house."

Dave noticed this and headed to the door.

**Cain slew Able. Oh happy happy Cain.**

(17 years ago)

Dave and Christopher were in a similar situation. Dave was trying to keep Titus out by locking the front door. The problem was, Dave didn't think about the back door. Titus walked up behind Dave and said "We have a back door idiot. Think" and with that, Titus smacked Dave on the back of the head. Dave took off running.

(Now)

Dave thought he had Titus locked out. Titus walked up behind him and said "We still have a back door idiot."

"Think" said Dave as he hit himself on the forehead

Titus smacked his brother then called for his dad.

Ken walked out of his room and said "Give me your keys."

Titus looked at him and tried to say something but Ken took the keys out of his hands and screamed "Get the hell out of my house."  
Titus finally said "Dad come on, I cleaned the gutters, I detailed you car, I'm making payments on your bar tab, and I even hired you a privet nurse."

"Which he wouldn't have needed if you hadn't tried to kill him" said Dave.

"Good one favorite son" said Ken.

"Thank you favorite father" said Dave.

"We is he aware that your were a part of the shaving of the favorite testicles" said Titus.

Dave looked at Ken and said "Why can't he just be more like me". Then Titus chased Dave out of the room.

"Come on dad it was just a joke" said Titus.

"HA HA. Jesus was laughing when I went into the light" said Ken

"He was laughing because you were trying to get into heaven."

**I don't like fighting with my Dad because, I love him and he always wins. **

(17 years ago)

"Your sons been suspended for three days. He was punching a kid repeatedly in the stomach" said Titus principal

"I'll take care of it" said Papa Titus.

"Thank you" said the principal as he left.

"Punching a kid in the stomach. What did I always tell you? GO FOR THE EYES."

"I know" said Christopher.

"Let's go get an Ice cream. We've got three days to work on the eagle claw." Ken then took two fingers, thrust them forward, grabbed a pencil with them, and pulled as hard as he could.

"thanks daddy, I love you"  
"I love you too slugger."

(Now)

"GET OUT" said Ken.

"MAKE ME" said Titus.

"Oh I'll make you" said Ken as he got up and tried to do the "eagle claw"

"Oh yeah" said Titus as he did the same. He continued "The student has now become the master."

Then, the private nurse came out from the kitchen. It was Nurse Cathy from the hospital

She twisted Titus fingers and asked "What are your doing to my heart patient"

"He started it" said Titus in extreme pain.

"And I'm finishing it. IF I let go of you, if you leave my heart patient alone"

"Deal"

"And you are not to speak to him anymore" she said Ken.

"I could have taken him" said Papa Titus

"Are you talking" said Cathy as she shoved a thermometer in Papa Titus' mouth.

She continued "Because I'm fine with you dieing. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week"

"Wo wo wo, attempted murderer and I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law lady" said Titus

"It's against the law to kill your father"

"ME……Him…cigarettes for twenty seven years years. I had a goldfish that died of second hand smoke.

"Twenty seven years, isn't that how long you've been around"

"Oh, good one" said Dave poking his head back into the room. Titus then chased him away again.

**The damage I have caused to my fathers health can no longer be described in words. Instead, I choose a soliloquy**

**I am cancer. I am second hand smoke. I am a damaged lung. I am a fatty deposit in a pulmonary artery. I am Christopher, The son from which all disease sprang.**

"Stay if your want but he's not talking to you" said Cathy as she left the room.

"FINE" yelled Titus.

"QUIET' screamed Cathy.

Titus reeled back in fear and whispered "fine. I'm dead to you. Who cares, I've been dead inside my whole life because of you. I've been having dreams that I was dead to you so I could go into the world free of all the emotional baggage that you brought into my life OLD MAN." Titus sat down on the couch and looked over at his dad who didn't seem to show any emotion whatsoever. He realized that his speech didn't work and pleaded "Oh come on".

They herd a knock on the door and Titus went to answer it. It was Tommy holding a picnic basket say "Oh my god you're in the house. Oh you got back into his good graces Yay. See everyone's here, everyone's happy, no ones talking but me. What's wrong?"

"It seems I was conceived" said Titus

"Amen" said Ken.

"Shut up"

"Get out"

"Ok, ok, ok" said Tommy.

"I can help, I brought some food" said Tommy. HE looked over at Ken and said "Mr. Titus, I brought your meals on wheels. _The meals that heals_."

"What did you bring me, fruit" asked Ken.

"Oh no to much sugar in fruit"

"No, I'm calling YOU a fruit."

**Screwed up people settle fights with violence. That can escalate to war that kills millions. Normal people settle fights with cookies, pies, and cakes. Normal people are fat.**

(17 years ago)

Dave and Titus were pushing each other back and fourth until Tommy came up with a trey of cookies saying "Dave, Christopher, lets talk about it. I've got cookies."

Dave looked at Titus and said "He's got cookies."

They both pushed Tommy down and started wailing on him with Titus screaming "Go for the eyes."

(Now)

Tommy held a plate in front of Ken saying "Mmmm fried chicken."

"Mmmm" said Ken with a smile on his face.

"Now before I give this to you, I want you to forgive Christopher."

Ken roared in Tommy's face causing Tommy to just give him the food out of fear. Tommy looked at Titus and said "You know I didn't wanna have to do this". Titus sat up thinking that Tommy was actually going to do something useful. Tommy stared Ken in the eyes and sang "_My son came home just the other day. So much like a man I just had to say, son I'm proud of you could you sit for a while…."_

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME" screamed Ken.

"aright, alright I'm sorry"

Ken was about to take a bite of his chicken when Titus said "Dad you can't eat that."

"Oh yeah" said Ken as he took a bite. Then, Nurse Cathy waked back in. She noticed Ken eating the chicken and said "Oh no you don't. spit it out. Spit".

Ken spit the chicken into her hand. She took Titus' hand and placed the chicken in it. Titus grossed out; put the chicken in Tommy's hand. Tommy now grossed out went to the bathroom to throw up.

Nurse Cathy placed a trey of fruit and vegetables food in front of Ken saying "You're eating this."

"OH come on I've got to have something with some flavor" complained ken.

"Arighty, I'll smear garlic butter on the roof of your coffin. I put marshmallows in the jell-o."

"Jell-O, ALRIGHT" said Dave making a dash for the kitchen.

"Eat a prune" said Cathy

"I hate prunes" said Ken.

"EAT IT, it'll loosen you stool" said Cathy as she left the room. Ken nervously picked up a prune and Titus got up and said "Hey dad, I can end this hell for you cause I hired that. All you gotta say is 'I love you son, and I forgive you' and I'll make sure your swimming in beer, battered, fried, beer with cheese chaser back."

Ken looked at Titus and with out hesitation ate the prune.

"Come on dad, mom's tried to kill you way more times than I have."

Ken just sat there eating his Jell-O and Prunes.

Titus started to back off saying "alright. You know, you taught me everything I needed to know to be a man. But how come around you I always feel like a little kid. I am sorry, for all the crap and pain I have caused you. I just wanna be your son again."

Nurse Cathy came out of the kitchen saying "That was quiet a speech. DAMN, and me with my academy award in my other uniform." Then she and Ken started laughing hysterically. Titus left the house embarrassed with ken saying "YOUR STILL DEAD."

**(Looking at himself in a casket)**

**How come none of his friends told him he had such an odd shaped head?**

Titus sat in front of his dads' house as Erin walked up. Recently she had cut her hair short and forgot to tell anyone. She went up to him and said "Life saver little bear."

"Dad says I'm dead to him" said Titus.

"So it's gotten worse. Didn't I tell you it was gunna get worse?"

"I guess so"

"And who can fix it"

"You can"

"And are you finally ready for me to fix it."

"Yes please."

"Alright sweetie"  
"Thank you honey" Then Titus noticed her hair and asked "What did you do to you hair?" Titus noticed the alarm on Erin's face and continued "It looks great."

**  
Since we've been together, Erin is like the secret weapon that I use against dad. Let me put it to you like this. She's like…….the secret weapon……….that I use……….against dad.**

Erin and Titus walked back into the house. Erin looked at the nurse remembering her from the hospital saying "Nurse Cathy"

"Erin, no visitors" said Cathy

"Hag"

"Blond"

"Natural" said Erin as Nurse Cathy walked off. Erin walked up to Ken and stared him strait in the eyes.

"Now don't start with me. I am not changing my mind about this. Your hair looks great" said Ken. Erin just kept staring at him and Ken continued "He tried to kill me."

"What ever you have to do to forgive him do it NOW" said Erin

Ken sighed and said "Alright. Pain in my…."

"Ass, I know."

"Christopher, come here" said Ken.

Christopher walked towards Ken, knelt down beside him and said "Yes father."

Then, Ken punched Christopher in the face as hard as he could. Titus fell over and Ken said "You're forgiven."

**(Titus gets out of the casket) I'm alive**

**Hey alright welcome back**

"Oww ow ow" said Titus as Nurse Cathy was cleaning the bruise on his face.

"Quit being a Wussy" said Cathy.

"Wussy….you've been hanging around dad to long."

"No, you've been around him to long. You agitate him."  
"I let him punch me in the face. I'm his safe place."

"You've pissed him off all your life. You ruined his TR-3 when you were 17. You burned down his boat when you were 12. You blew up the garage when you were nine."

"Pshh, I was 11. And how do you know all this?"

"Your father's very chatty after sex."

After hearing that Titus started gagging and fell over on the floor.

**(Titus goes back into the casket, closes it and screams)**

"After sex….your having sex with my father and he's chatty after sex" stuttered Titus.

"Sometimes during" said Cathy.

"Here's some rubbing alcohol" said Erin.

"Pour it in my eyes" said Titus.

"What" said Erin?

"The nurse and Dad are having sex" said Titus.

Erin screamed as Tommy walked in saying "Mr. Titus wants some salt but I think I can sneak some Mrs. Dash by him."

"Papa Titus and the nurse are having sex" said Erin

Tommy started dry heaving when Dave walked in with a bowl of jell-O saying "Now that is jell-o with a capital O."

"Mr. Titus and the nurse are having sex" said Tommy still dry heaving.

Dave took a bite of his jell-o calmly said "Well now that would explain the sounds of dad and the nurse having sex."

Erin pushed Dave aside and said "You're supposed to nurse him back to health"

"And I'd say I've done a hell of a job" said Cathy

"Nurses aren't supposed to make people sick" said Titus.

"Your just jealous cause I've got it all and you live with that" said Cathy motioning to Erin.

Erin was so offended that she couldn't speak so Titus said "I got this honey." Titus motioned to Erin and said "This is not that". He pointed back at Cathy and said "You that, you wish you were this".

"Ok, just stop it. We've all just got some shocking news and were all a little raw and more than a little horrified" said Tommy

"Banana" said Dave as he took another bite of jell-O.

"You're a nurse. You're supposed to be sterile and clean and having sex with my dad…….dirty" said Titus.

"It's not just sex. I Love Him" said Cathy.

Titus, Erin, Tommy, and Dave instantly burst out laughing.

"Say it again please" said Erin

"I love him" said Cathy.

They continued laughing as Cathy said "People laugh at what they don't understand."

"No, we get it and think it's hilarious because every woman that falls in love with my dad ends up trying to kill him" said Titus still laughing.

"What's funny about that" asked Erin.

"Laughter, absolute terror, fine line" said Titus walking off.

**A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A preying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad but he's too big to eat.**

**(**22 years ago)

**Dad had a little tax problem, he dated an IRS agent. **

The IRS agent hammered a foreclosure notice on Ken's house and as she walked off he yelled "So what, you still look fat in those pants"

(10 years ago)

**Parking tickets got out of hand, he met Officer Lindsey.**

Lindsey stood in front of him with two barking Dobermans with an angry look on her face. Ken laughed and said "Of course I slept with the stewardess. How do you think I got us bumped to first class?"

(5 years ago)

**And sometimes, dad was just dad.**

Ken went out to get his mail and a bullet went right through his mailbox. Ken burst out laughing and said "You would have hit me if you didn't have that lazy eye." She fired two more shots which missed completely and Ken just laughed as he got his mail and went inside his house.

(Now)

Titus walked back into the living room saying "Dad, the nurse. This woman could kill you and make it look like an act of god. And the coroners gunna cut you open and all there gunna find is a diseased heart, damaged lungs, and a rotting liver. They're gunna think that killed you."

Tommy walked in saying "Mr. Titus, what Christopher is trying to say is that we all know about you little tête-à-tête with Nurse Cathy."

Papa Titus looked at Christopher and asked "Why is he always talking in some kind of gay code?"

"I am not gay. And I don't have a code."

"How could you know that if you're not gay?"

"I am not gay" said Tommy practically crying.

Tommy suddenly made his voice deep and said "I'm gunna help the girls in the kitchen".

Tommy walked off as Dave walked in.

Titus said to his dad "Dad look, I know you're having a blast and I understand the whole nurse freaky uniform thing and….."

He was cut off by Dave snickering to himself.

Titus continued "But there's a woman in the kitchen saying that she's in love with you."

"Well I'm in the living room saying I'm in love with her to" said Papa Titus.

"No, no, no, no dad no. You're not thinking strait. It's the classic heart attack rebound. Yeah, it's the angina talking."

Dave gasped and said "IT talks"

Titus smacked his brother over the back of the head and said "AN-GINA"

Ken got up and said "Now you listen to me Wussy boy. I have managed to date hundreds of women and marry five of them without any help from you."

"Yeah and none of those women are here right now and five of them own half your stuff" said Titus.

"Which is five halves, which is two and a half wholes of stuff which you could have. Which if you had that stuff right now, well you'd have three times as much stuff" said Dave who then stepped back with a sense of accomplishment.

"Dad look I care about you ok. Look, some people are good at drinking and sleeping around and hey your one of those people. And some people are good at healthy lasting relationships and you've never even met one of those people. I suck at ice skating so I skateboard. You suck at love so you need to have sex with strangers. Lots of em."

"And skate on" said Dave

"Dad, you love living your hollow empty life. You know you don't wanna drag some woman you care about into that" said Titus  
"No I don't" said Ken.

"See you don't. You gotta ask yourself 'can I change'"

"I don't know"

"I don't know. Exactly so….you can't do this to another woman"

"Your right. CAT"

**(Titus gets out of his casket) I can beat death. I can take on a little nurse.**

"What is it sweetie pie" said Cathy

"Look Cat, Christopher is right about me. This is the hardest part of any relationship. I mean we've known each other for what nine days. It isn't right. You shouldn't be hear. Like this. So, will you marry me?"

"YES" said Cathy

"NO, Dad didn't you hear what I just said" yelled Titus

"Its important I get it right this time. After you screw things up with Erin, you'll understand" said Ken.

"I am not gunna screw things up with Erin because I don't marry every woman I have sex with" said Titus

"EXCUSE ME" yelled Erin

"I didn't mean it like that"

"You see, you're screwing it up right now" said Ken

"So you have no intention of marrying me" said Erin

"No, I'll marry you" yelled Titus

"Oh you sound so exited."

"Honey, can I stop this man from making his sixth mistake before you and I talk about our First……..MARRAGE. I love you"

"They say the sixth times the charm kitty Cat" said Ken.

"NO you're fired. I am not paying you 150 dollars a day to sleep with my father" said Titus to Cathy.

"You know that's not a bad price you know by the hour" said Dave

"Don't talk about your future mother like that" said Ken

"She is not our future mother" said Titus.

"LISTEN, YOU INTERFEARING UNGRATEFUL LITTLE LOSER. FIRST YOU TRY TO KILL THE MAN. NOW YOU TELL HIM NOT TO GRASP THE ONE CHANCE OF HAPPINESS HE HAS LEFT. ME. CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HAPPY HE IS" screamed Cathy as she motioned to Ken who had a frown on his face. She continued screaming "CAN'T YOU SEE WERE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER? NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU ADGITATE HIM."

"Me. You're the one having sex with him. Your agitating hi." said Titus.

"That's what you know. I'm always on TOP.

(**In the fetal position) **_**The first noel**_

"That's right baby, riding high" said Cathy pretending to ride a horse.

"Look at me, I'm a cowboy" said Ken as he put his arm around Cathy.

Tommy, Erin, Dave, and Titus were cowering back horrified.

**I gave my father a heart attack. And the memory of what I did is burned in my brain. Like the bomb going off over Hiroshima, or the Hindenburg explosion, and (pretends to ride a horse) oh the humanity. I can still see it.**


	7. Chapter 7

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding #6: Titus is Dead

Chapter 7: What's Up, Hollywood?

**I've herd tell of an urban legend. On a crystal clear night somewhat like this one, a father pulled his son aside and spoke three mysterious words. "Good job boy". I know, I know, like it could happen. **

**My dad gave me complements well, not real complements. More like sentences that don't make you cry.**

(22 years ago)

"Your son is cute" said a strange lady

"You wanna go make one just like him" said Ken with a grin on his face.

She left towards a secluded area and Ken looked at his son and said "you're not totally useless. While I'm gone, work that lady over there."

Ken ran off and little Christopher smiled big at the lady he pointed at.

**Some call it negativity. Some call it soul killing self esteem crushing criticism. I call it the force that has driven me to succeed. My dad rips into everything that I do and because of that, I'm WAY more successful than he ever thought I couldn't be. Yeah that's what I meant to say. **

(Now yr2000)

"What the hell did you do to my truck" asked Ken. He had walked into Titus' car shop to find that Titus had taken his truck and put blue flames on the front and it looked completely new.

"Come on Mr. Titus be nice. It's got 20 inch foose billet wheels, custom paint, 2/4 suspension drop, and ported heads. If you don't think that this is the most bitchenest throw down street truck you've ever seen than you can kiss My ASS" screamed Tommy.

Ken raised a fist to Tommy who quickly apologized.

Titus got up from his chair and said "It's ok Tommy. Dad, this is the best work I have ever done. I'm really proud of it. Come on."

Ken smiled and said "I Love it."

Titus motioned "And"

"It's great."  
"Ok you're not even trying. Can some one get him beer right now?"

Dave walked up and said "Wait, what's my middle name?"

"Well how the hell should I know" said Ken

"Its dad alright" said Dave.

Titus said "Ok dad what exactly to you love about the truck?"

"Well the wheels, the grill, the paint, Good Job Boy" said Papa Titus.

"I don't know what your game is old man but this truck sucks and you know it" said Titus.

Christopher stood there shaking saying "Come on dad I blew it, I'm a loser, the paint job is terrible, everything I did to this truck blows."

Papa Titus said "Your being to hard on yourself Son"

"Son"

"To hard on your self" repeated Tommy.

"Being" repeated Dave.

"If you guys would just shut up, what I'm trying to say is all this busting your hump really paid off" said Papa Titus.

"But," said Christopher.

"I'm really Proud of you"

"Are you dieing?"

"Last night, Cats' daughters came over and guess what, they get along."

"Buuuut" said Dave.

"They like each other. Why can't we have that" said Papa Titus.

"I don't know if were ready for 'Like'" said Christopher.

"Well, I can't feel my feet."

They stood in silence for awhile trying to figure out what Papa Titus meant by that and Titus finally asked "What?"

"Poor circulation because of my heart attack" said Ken

"I didn't cause your DAMN heart attack" screamed Titus

"I know. It was the 40 years of smoking and drinking"  
"Yeah and you better start taking responsibility for that….like you…just…did. Are you wearing a wire?"

"No, can't I just tell my Son I'm Proud of Him and that I Love Him."

"NO"

"YES I CAN NOW HUG ME"

"ALRIGHT"

And Christopher hugged his Dad.

**I don't trust goodness. In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. **

(17 years ago)

Christopher went up stairs to his mom and asked "What's black and white and red all over?"

Juanita who already had several drinks walked up with an empty glass and said "Not now sweet heart, mommies gotta watch her stories." She started to walk past him and fell down the stairs.

Christopher only noticing that Juanita's glass was empty asked "Mom you need another drink?"

"No ice this time."

(Now)

A car drove by the car shop and Dave and Titus ran outside thinking it was there Dad. Tommy looked over and said "Guys you've been doing this all day long, your dads not coming back"

"Yes he his, he's gunna drop a bomb and I'm gunna be ready for it. He's probably making a U-Turn right now. He's gunna pull into the ally right……………………………….now" said Titus.

The car did not pull in, it just kept going.

Erin seeing all this walked up and asked "Guys what are you up to now"

"Now……………Now" said Titus still thinking his dad was gunna come.

"Stop it. What is going on?"

"Dad found a new way to screw with me. He said he was proud of me."

"Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do."

"He got to her" said Dave.

"Dave she likes me" said Titus.

"Oh right, I forgot"

Titus said "Dad is up to something."

Dave said "Him telling you you're a failure has driven you to succeed. So now he's telling you you're a success so….."

"I'LL FAIL" screamed Titus

"All right that's his evil little plan"  
"And now that were on to his little mind game, I will burry this shop just to prove that I'm not a success and I'll go out on my own and succeed on my own terms"

"You're my mentor. I'm so proud of you. Wait, I'm not proud of you."  
Erin spoke up "You both are crazy. Christopher, why can't you learn to trust when good things happen?"  
"Cause nothing good ever happens in my life"

"You-who"

"OH, except you honey. You're the only good thing in my life."

Tommy walked up and said "You-who"  
"What" said Titus

"Nothing" said Tommy as he waked back into the shop.

"Your father probably meant what he said. He's getting older. 4 heart attacks, 5 women, whatever Cathy is. Your father realizes he has a son and he loves him" Said Erin

"Really, I wonder where that son lives" said Titus

**My dad is a fountain of love, but a city fountain. You know one of those ones that are leaky and the water's all murky and theirs that weird metal thing that sticks up and nobody really knows what the hell it is. That's the kind of fountain of love my dad is.**

(8 years ago)

"Dad I got it. My dream is to build custom hot rods and maybe even race'em" said Christopher.

"What a coincidence. My dream is for you to race out and get me a custom six pack. And I'll maybe even drink it. And GO" said Ken

(Now)

"You just don't know him as well as I do" said Titus as he, Erin, and Dave walked back into the garage.

"Well maybe he's finally making up for robbing you of a childhood" said Erin

"Well maybe I'm gunna wake up tomorrow in Tokyo and look at Big Bend" said Dave

"Dave, Big Bend's in London" said Titus

"Exactly it's impossible like the pyramids in Egypt" said Dave

"Dave the pyramids are in Egypt" said Titus

Dave shook his head in disbelief and walked off.

"Christopher your father has done a lot of bad things but I am sure that you can think of one good thing" said Erin

"No" said Titus

"You're not trying"

Titus stood for several minutes and thought and thought

**My dad did fatherly things. He took us camping…..in Vegas. **

"You can't think of one nice thing he's done" said Erin.

"OH, nope family counseling. Wait, nope burn unit" said Titus

Tommy got up and said "Titus you know how people repress bad memories. Maybe you repress good ones. Maybe your dad's always been the perfect father."

**In California, Eileen Franklin had her 51 year old father arrested because she thought she remembered he killed her best friend when they were 8. Maybe in the dark recesses of my mind my dad baked me fresh tollhouse cookies and bought me a pony. **

**Maybe we went to the beach and played catch, than got ice cream, and he'd burry me up to my neck in sand **

"Ok lets jus say that dad's actually proud of me" said Titus

Erin started to say "oh good honey…."

"Hey hey baby steps; this is a 'fore instance' between two slices of 'what if' with a side of 'yeah right'."

Tommy tapped Titus on the back and said "If I may, the only difference between the relationship you have with your father and the relationship I have with my father is that there's less punching and there more happy poking. You have to choose to poke". Tommy then started poking Titus until Titus told him to stop.

Titus said "aright I'll try it"

"Yay" squealed Tommy  
"But no poking"

"Welcome to a little town called normal. Population: you."

"Hey guys" called Dave. "Dads truck is on TV. Come on lets watch."

Tommy, Erin, and Titus walked into the office where a reporter was saying "_live on the spot from channel 6 news. IF you're out on the road today, do yourself a favor. Don't drink and drive. Or you might just end up like this man."_ The TV then showed Papa Titus falling out of his truck with a beer in his hand.

Titus laughed and said "Hey its dad."

Then Papa Titus had to have the officers help him up and he got himself turned around. He tried to swing at an officer for taking his beer. Titus and Dave laughed and Erin asked "What are you doing "

"He fell out of the truck. You and Tommy don't think that's funny" said Titus laughing.

"No" said Tommy

"What planet are you from" said Dave

"Yeah, planet boring. Population: you" said Titus

"Christopher, no matter what you dad has done in the past at least now in his later years he disserves a little bit dignity" said Erin

"But he fell out of the truck" said Titus

"When he said 'Good Job' how did you feel"

"Paranoid……and then good"

"You were this close to getting the relationship you always wanted with your father."

"Good Job Boy did feel pretty great."

"_This is channel six news saying that on the sobriety test, you're supposed to touch your own nose."_ Then the TV showed Papa Titus touching the nose of the cop.

Dave just kept laughing as Tommy pushed him out the door.

Erin said "If you mock him and revel in this, you are giving up the chance of ever having a normal relationship with your father."

Dave poked his head back in and repeated "Touch your own nose" Then Titus started laughing and laughing but soon stopped when he saw how angry Erin was.

The next morning, Titus was making coffee and asking Dave "Are you sure dad didn't come home last night."

"I sleep in a car on his driveway and Cathy came out on the porch every 5 minuets screeching his name KEN KEN KEN."

"He must have spent the night in jail."

"Yeah, we should go down there and taunt him"

"Yeah, we go 'hey dad you spent he night in jail" Titus then realized he was poking Dave like he was Tommy and screamed "AHHH, I feel dirty. Help me."  
"Just hang on." Dave grabbed a remote and turned on the TV. He had taped the news report from the night before.  
"You taped it" said Titus.

"No, Dads got his own show. I'm sorry. I'm cranky because I didn't get enough sleep last night because of KEN KEN KEN.

"Wow this is rare. You guys beat me to work" said Tommy holding a box of doughnuts. He noticed the TV and said "Shame on you Titus, you said you weren't gunna live you life like this anymore."

"Dave taped it" said Titus

"Well I'm not letting you go back". Tommy then took the tape from the VCR and Titus snatched if from him saying "Give me that. Dammit Erin has a point. I gotta make this right with dad." He then smashed the tape into many pieces.

"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" screamed Dave. "It didn't belong to you. It belonged to the whole world. Like the moon" said Dave practically crying.

"One small step for Titus, one giant leap for fathers and sons" said Tommy putting his arm around Titus.

Titus smiled and said "I'm holding hot coffee" and Tommy took his arm off.

Dave heard a beep from outside and said "its dad"

"Alright now remember, be gentle when you discuss the incident" said Tommy.

"Yeah right. Hey dad how many orange cones have to die before you quit drinking?"

They ran out and there was Ken. Dave went up to him and said "Hey dad how many orange oh my god are you ok" He had noticed how mad Ken was.

"Dad we saw you on TV" said Titus

"Yeah it was live" said Tommy

"What's up Hollywood" said Dave

"Dad I want you to know that we got your back" said Titus

"I'll get the reporter to burry that story. He's one of my wrestling buddies" said Tommy. They all looked at Tommy wondering 'just what kind of wrestling was he talking about. Tommy yelled "On the high school wrestling team." He unfortunately got memories of high school with the reporter tossing him back and forth.

"Dad you were there for me and I'm gunna be there for you. Give me a Hug" said Titus with his arms open.

Ken angrily said "HUG, you ruined my night you dumbass fruit of my loins."

"Dad I know jail was tough and I know that there were a lot of bad people there and you smell like you slept on them but that's ok."

"Fruity freaky pickup you built me got me arrested."

"WHAT"

"Mr. Titus calm down" said Tommy

"Shut up, I'm talking to my moron" said Ken

"MORON" said Titus

"Shut up" said Tommy

"I'm" said Dave

Titus hit his brother on the back of the head and turned back to his dad saying "You got arrested for drunk driving and it's my fault."

Ken yelled "You built me a cop Magnet. I might as well be a black guy driving a giant powdered doughnut."

"Woe what happened to good job boy"

"I never said that."

Titus was shocked and hesitated but continued "You never said 'good job boy'"

"Are you crazy?"

**I guess at the beach dad would actually try to drown me in the ocean, shove the ice cream in my eyes, and burry my dead body in the sand.**

"Dad is there any chance that you were arrested for drunk driving because, oh, you were driving drunk" said Titus

"Hey I've been driving drunk since I was 14. I've never been arrested" said Ken

"You were drunk at a check point, a point at which they check."

"Oh no, if I wasn't in this clown car, they would have just waved me through."

"It's not a wave point. It's a check point. They stop you. They checked you. You couldn't even touch your head. Right Tommy"

Tommy started to walk off saying "I'm so sleepy"

Ken started to yell "Now I want you to sand this ridiculous paint job off my truck and put primer on it. Cops don't stop cars with primer." He then picked up the power sander and turned it on.

"NO unless those trucks are weaving at 60mph though a check point. Now drop the sander" said Titus.

"You know something. All I ever wanted was a normal relationship. But you screwed that up first chance you got" said Ken  
"Me"

"What a waste.

"A waste you know what a waste is. You were in jail and I didn't have the chance to bribe a guard to strip search you and shoot you with a fire hose. Yeah so the next time you wanna tell me 'you did a good job' don't."

"Done"

"KEN" screeched a voice

Dave instantly recognized it as Cathy screamed "There it is, right there. It's painful"

Ken ran over to Cathy saying "Hey baby, what's new?"

Cathy said "What's new? I've been worried sick. Where were you last night?"

"She doesn't know where he was" whispered Dave to Titus

"I can hear" said Titus

"Well I'm waiting" said Cathy

"Yeah dad she's waiting" said Titus

"I can hear. You know honey I should have called but you know how it is" said Ken

"No how is it" said Cathy

"Yeah how is it dad" said Titus

"I know you weren't out drinking because of your heart" said Cathy

Titus laughed as Cathy continued "And you swore on our love you'd stay sober."  
"Well I…..the guys were uh…..oh for god sake just go ahead and tell her" said Ken to Titus.

Titus held out his hand and Ken gave him the power sander.

**I'm all excited now**

Titus put down the sander and started "where was my father last night."

"Last night" repeated Dave.

"He was locked up"  
"Locked up"

"Right hear"

"Right what"

"In the garage, all night. Worked like a beaver he did."

"Like beaver" said Ken just going with it.

"Because he loves his truck right dad" said Titus

"Like a beaver" said Ken grinding his teeth

"Tell Cathy how much you love this truck"

"This truck"  
"yeah"

"I LOVE IT" said Ken forcing the words out.

**A complement given freely is like finding a penny on the sidewalk. A complement extorted from my father is like stealing a penny from that annoying blind kid. You might feel good but you don't want anyone to know. **

"Come on Cat lets go" said Ken

"Wait Cathy there's more" yelled Titus.

Ken turned around and Titus yelled "Tommy come out here. Dad I want you to tell Tommy, Dave, Cathy, and Me the fruit of your loins what you love about this truck. Is it the paint job that you love or is it that tipsy feeling you get when you drive it or all the heads that turn when you careen by."  
"Yeah" said Ken nervously.

"WICH NOW"

"All of them"

"So I'm a great son and you're really proud of me. SAY IT"  
"you're a great son and I'm reeeeeealy proud of you"

"And you can never take that back"

"Deal"

"OH thank you father. HUG"

Ken started to hug Titus but the hug soon turned into Ken digging his fingers into Titus back and Titus had to push him away.  
"And thank you Cathy for bringing me and my dad together" said Titus

"Your welcome Christopher" said Cathy

"Thanks for all your help last night. Boy you worked hard. You need a shower. Good job boy" said Titus to Ken.

"Thanks, you too" said Ken

"Where are your shoe laces" asked Cathy

**I've heard tell of an urban legend. A son let his father off the hook when he could have fried him in front of his lady friend. Would have been true, too, had this son not also gone to high school with the reporter. **

**(Hits a play button)** _And remember on the sobriety test, you're supposed to touch your own nose. _

**Ha ha ha ha. ****That****kills**** me**

**(Takes the tape and puts it in a safe.)**

**Oh I cannot wait till episode 27, when the legend continues.**


	8. Chapter 8

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding #6: Titus is Dead

Chapter 8: Locking Up Mom

**My mom's in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon, these people all had a touch of crazy that fueled there brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mom. Then again, Winston Churchill never tired to kill my dad**

(A month ago)

Papa Titus was running down the highway screaming "Juanita please, stop".

"We never talk anymore Kenneth" screamed Juanita who was chasing him with a broken whine bottle.

**Schizophrenia alters the chemical balance in the brain and can make some people super strong. Lucky for dad, before mom caught him, the cops caught mom. Of course, nobody was there to catch the cop.**

(An hour later)

"Get the cuffs on her" screamed Ken as several cops started to rundown Juanita. Juanita swung at one of them and the cop flew over his own car. Ken amazed by distance the cop flew said "Damn you cleared the lights. Boy is Juanita all of a sudden hot."

**(Reading a book titled Titus and Mom)**

**See my mom. See the doctors release my mom from the hospital. See Titus. See Titus run to the mental hospital to make sure mom's locked up. Run Titus Run.**

(Now)

Titus, Erin, Tommy, and Dave walked into a small room with chain link fences for walls. One wall had a glass window and behind it, was the receptionist. As the door shut behind them, Erin asked "Do you think were doing the right thing. This place is like a prison"

"Well Mom's kinda like a criminal" said Titus

"Honey, maybe she should be released. She passed all the test"  
"She passed all the test because they don't ask 'upon release, will you kill your family'?"

"Or she stole the answers" said Dave

"Hey what if they let her out" said Tommy.

"Oh there not letting her out. Dads in there right now making sure her name is on the lobotomy sine up sheet."

"Don't you think that's a bit harsh? She is your mom" said Erin.

"Look, I am just here not to lock her up but to nod and go 'good job dad'."  
"Be nice" said Erin as she walked up to the receptionist window and said "Excuse me, we're here for Juanita Titus's competency hearing"

"To prove that she's incompetent" said Titus

The receptionist turned around and revealed her face. Titus screamed "MOM"

Dave went to the door and said "Doors locked"

Tommy started crying "oh no, the doors locked"

Titus screamed "She's killed Dad and taken over RUN."

Juanita started to smile and wave. Tommy was curled in the fetal position, Titus and Erin were banging on the door, and Dave was climbing the wall.

Later after watching the group freak out on the security tapes, Juanita let them into the facility. The group eventually calmed down and Juanita said "I know my reputation Christopher but, don't you think you overreacted"

Titus said "I prefer to think of it as the will to live. What's going on mom? You're a mental patient in a mental hospital. When did they make you a concierge?"

"I'm a trustee."

A doctor walked by and Titus asked "Why is a manic depressive schizophrenic running the front desk?"

The doctor smiled and said "Because she's so darn good at it." Juanita proceeded to introduce the doctor to Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy. Titus made sure that they weren't fooled like the last time Juanita pretended to be sane. This went on till the Doctor asked "Has Ken Titus arrived yet?"

Titus said "Oh I don't know Mom we were supposed to meet him here or, did you get to him first"

"He's probably stuck in traffic" said Juanita"

"Or in a mason jar" said Titus

"Or something you put jam in" said Dave

"Like a mason jar" said Titus

Erin said "Guys your mother did not cut up your father and put him in a mason jar. Right"

"You guys are hurting my feelings and being schizophrenic, I'm feeling for two" said Juanita. She continued "We can start without your dad."  
Titus said "No you see, that would hurt his Feelings. You see, keeping you locked up in a mental hospital replaces our father son picnic".

The Doctor said "We'll start in 5 minuets."  
Juanita started to walk towards the room where the meeting was being held and said "Now are your sure You wanna try to keep me in here"

"Oh, Dad is coming. There is no way your getting out of here" said Titus

Juanita pinched Titus cheek and said "Oh, the way you were raised its so cute that you have that much hope. Well, I'm good to go"

Titus turned to Tommy and Dave. Tommy was still shaking with fear and like a baby said "Wait for da da"

Titus turned back to his mom and said "Tommy seems to think we should wait for dad.

**When I was 7, I watched 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' with my mom. And when Jack Nicholson was strapped down to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life and I was stunned. Because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.**

**You wanna be responsible for your mom locked up in a mental hospital. What's easier to live with? I Christopher Titus made sure my mom stayed locked up for the rest of her life or Dad did it.**

"Come on Christopher. You don't need to do this with your father. I didn't raise a quitter" said Juanita

"No the TV raised the quitter" said Titus

"Fine. Everybody who wants to put me away for life _allé__ avec __moi__"_

As they started to walk towards the meeting room, a mental patient came up to Titus and said "HI"

"James this is my son Christopher" said Juanita

"Ya know what I love most about your mom" asked James

"What" said Christopher?

Then James started to smack his lips together. It was another form of speech to him. Titus just kinda going with it said "I like that about her too"

"James, go see Phillip and ask him for some yellow pills" said Juanita. James smacked his lips for good by and left.

The doctor came out of the meeting room saying "Were ready when you are".

"Ok, well go get'em. I mean go get me. Now I'm gunna go in there and tell them who the president of the US is again" said Juanita

"Who's coming up with these tests? I could get out of here like that" said Dave

"Honey are you sure you wanna do this without your father" asked Erin

"Well if we don't do something and she gets out, we'll be doing everything without my father"

**You gotta be careful what you unleash into the world. Especially if what you unleash can throw a knife like a circus freak. **

(17 years ago)

Papa Titus pushed play on the answering machine. "_Hey ken. It's Juanita. I've never stopped loving you. Call me. Let's work it out."_

BEEP

"_Listen you son of a bitch, I know you got a contract out on me, well I got one on you too. And another….."_

BEEP

"_It's me again. Sorry I guess the machine cut me off. YOU'RE A DEAD MAN. YOUR GUNNA LEAVE THAT HOUSE IN A BODY BAG"_

Papa Titus took the tape out, gave it to Christopher, and said "file it with the others."

**Normal families have a junk drawer. Dad and I had an evidence locker. Although during "Show and Tell", I always went up last because nobody could follow me.**

(The next day)

"_YOUR GUNNA LEAVE THAT HOUSE IN A BODY BAG"_

"My dad calls it peoples exhibit-A" said Christopher.

He went up to Tommy and said "Now let's see if your crappy gerbil can top that".

**Maybe there's something better than "dad did it". I know. Erin did it**

(Now)

Titus practically shoved Erin into the meeting room; Juanita said to the board "This is Erin my future daughter in law".

"Sorry I have to do this" said Erin

"It's alright. She's gunna give me the most beautiful grandchildren"

"Well we haven't talked about kids yet"

"I want a boy. What do think Christopher wants"  
"I don't think it really matters as long as he has your eyes"

"That is so sweet"

"Your gunna make a wonderful mom"

"You think so"  
"I know so"

**OK better than "Erin did it". Tommy did it.**

Erin left the room and Titus shoved Tommy in. Tommy started whining "Hello Mrs. Titus." He tried not to look her in the eye.  
Juanita said "Tommy you need to focus. You were gunna say that Christopher had me over for dinner…."  
"After you broke into the house drugged us and tried to kill Mr. Titus with a broken bottle"  
"Good"  
"But then you'll probably say that if I was drugged then, how would I know you tried to kill him. And I'll say I was there and he told me. And you'll say that's your say which it is and you'll say Tommy were you on drugs and I'll say no. You'll say well if you don't take drugs than how come I was so high I can't explain were I was 5 hours after I ate the cranberry sauce. This means you win. Ok bye"

Then Tommy quickly walked out.

Tommy walked up to Titus and said "Didn't go well".

**No worries. I still got Dave.**

"Dave" called Titus.

Dave was sitting down playing checkers with James. The two seemed to be having a conversation in lip smack. Dave had learned a joke and they were laughing about it. "This guy is great" said Dave.

"Get over here" yelled Titus.

Dave smacked his lips several times. "It means 'no worries'" he said.

Titus laughed and said "I was about to send you in there to testify against mom but never mind."  
"I'm on it"  
"NO WAIT" but it was too late, Dave had already went into the meeting room.

Titus said "I might as well just call mom a cab now".

No sooner had he said that when Dave walked out with everybody in the room laughing. He said to Titus "I have to pee in a cup"

The doctor came out saying "Mr. Titus can we rule on this without you"  
"Uh…hell no" said Titus.

"Well aren't you gunna testify"  
"Uh…hell yes"  
"Lets go"  
"Lets"

Before going in, Titus turned to Tommy and said "Ok, when dad gets here, send him right in."

**I can handle mom. When other kids were wasting time learning math, I was memorizing the national association of mental heaths criteria for commitment of a family member. Something I could use.**

(17 years ago)

After "Show and Tell", Titus was reading his report. "The national association of mental heath is as follows. Person must be causing harm to others." He remembered when he was 5 and his mom hit his Dad over the head with a frying pan.

"Harm to self". Last year when he knocked on the door to the bathroom and his mom came out with her head half shaved. She said she was just fixing her hair.

"Or, damaged property". Last month when his mom blew up his dads' car.

"Next week, California divorce law: How to hide your assets. Thank you."

(Now)

"Well mom, you seem to have everyone else rattled but not me" said Titus. His mom was looking at him and grinning as he continued "You can't get to me because I know your game."

"What game" asked the Doctor?

"The look game. See she's doing it right now"

"Your right honey, I'm doing the look I'm sorry" said Juanita

Titus said "Oh now she's doing the 'agree with me' game. See, I know her. I can hear what she is thinking in my head."

"IS the voice in your head your mothers" asked the doctor

"What. No it's not my mothers' voice" Said Titus

"Whose voice is it Christopher" asked Juanita

"There is no voice" said Titus

The doctor thumped through some files and said "At your last meeting, your mother stated that you held a bat on her and rifled through her purse"

"Yes but she cooked a turkey and it wasn't thanksgiving HA"

"Is it possible that you pushed your mother into a psychotic episode?"  
"She drugged us and my girlfriend almost drowned in mashed potatoes"

"Could it be that the turkey made everyone sleepy. That's a fairly common occurrence"  
"But it wasn't THANKSGIVING"

"Mr. Titus do you need a sedative?"

"NO I don't need a sedative. She's the one that's insane. I lived inside her for 9 months and I HEARD EVERYTHING. Do you know how cranked up she needs to be to just sit there like that. She's the one that needs a sedative. Look at her see. Ok EVERYBODY CALM DOWN." Titus had noticed a pair of security guards come in and grabbed a flag pole and was using it to fend them off.

Later after everybody had calmed down a bit, Ken Titus finally arrived.

"Keep the violent manic depressive schizophrenic in the mental hospital. Sounds simple doesn't it" said Ken.

"It wasn't his fault. Where were you" asked Erin

"He needs to know how to keep her incarcerated after she kills me. Look at all these other wackos. There children had no problem keeping them locked up"  
"It happened so fast" said Titus

"Did you lead with the story of the ice pick on Christmas" asked Ken.

"No"  
"ALWAYS LEAD WITH THE ICE PICK. What did you call her"  
"What"  
"WHAT DID YOU CALL HER"

"I called her mom"  
"It, you always refer to her as IT. Damn it Christopher. You're going back in."  
"No I'm not going back in."

**My dad always told me to face my fear. Then he kept saying "Why do you keep staring at me." **

This time, they all went into the meeting room. "Hello Kenneth. I knew you'd come" said Juanita.

"Don't look it in the eye "said Ken.

"Too late, oh god" said Tommy as he ran out.

"Look at the floor" said Ken

As Erin, Dave, and Christopher looked at the floor, Dave said "I need new shoes".

"Kenneth" said Juanita  
"IT" said Ken

"Well that's a little harsh"  
"Oh I didn't mean to offend the attempted murderess. Apologies all around"  
"Oh Kenneth, no matter how drunk you are, your sense of humor always floats to the top."

"I'm stone sober"  
"That reminds me" Juanita then pulled out a bottle and stuck a pill in her mouth

"Lift your tongue." She did as she was asked and Ken said "You swallowed it, nice."

"Let's get started" said the doctor.

Ken said to Christopher "Watch me and get ready to take over"  
Dave who was still looking at his shoes said "New shoe laces would really dress these up"

"Out" said Ken. Dave smacked his lips to insult him and left.

Ken started "Doctor, every time IT gets released, all hell breaks loose. Christopher tell them about 1979."  
"Uh…June or October" said Christopher

"Christmas"  
"Uh…..ICE PICK. She pulled an ice pick out on the family and chased some of us"  
"He's a little slow. She smoked during the pregnancy. It's amazing he has lips"  
"He has nice lips" said Juanita

"He's a wonderful kisser" said Erin

"Thank you" said Christopher

"QUIET" screamed Ken. He continued "Get on with it. Tell them about your high school graduation."

Christopher said "She showed up wearing white vinyl go-go boots and an army jacket."

"It was the style" said Juanita

"Not without pants or underwear it wasn't. Released '73" said Ken

"I was 4 and you left me in an airport overnight" said Christopher

"Released '76"  
"Tried to stab your upstairs neighbor"  
"Released '84"  
"My birthday. You got me a bike and a slot car set."  
"NO"  
"Oh, successfully stabbed ex-upstairs neighbor"  
"With"  
"Uh….ice pick"  
"No'  
"Uh……..spoon"  
"FORK"  
"This is so hard"  
"Your doing fine honey" said Juanita  
"Mr. Titus we have all this information" said the doctor

"Yeah well how many more people need metal plates in there heads before you keep this woman locked up" said Ken

"I'm on my medication now" said Juanita

"You don't have the ability to decide when to take your pills. You destroyed my life and you need to be locked up for the rest of yours"  
"I destroyed your life. I'm in here playing poker with serial killers for cigarettes. I didn't take my medication because I liked the highs and lows. But the only high I want now is to know my son."  
"oh now she's going for the cheese"  
"Oh stop it I'm serious. I lost my life. I lost my family. I lost my son.

"Yeah well whose fault is that" said Christopher.

"Its mine I told you that. How many letters do I have to write before you give me another chance"  
"How about one. This woman has not sent me one letter since she has been in here. Err. Dad this is easy, take a break"  
"I didn't send you letters. I gave your father letters every time he came to visit me"  
"He visited you. Well that wraps it up"  
"They weren't visits. They were surveillance" said Ken

"Call me crazy but you always kissed me goodbye" said Juanita

"I pecked"

"You felt something"  
"Fear"  
"Longing  
"Well your hot"

"Thank you"  
"Hey wait a minute, you came here to see her. You wrote me letters. Dad where are the letters" asked Titus  
"Why do you need letters when she can always lie to your face" said Ken

"Dad I want my moms letters"  
"………………….I threw them out"  
"You threw them out. I finally get clear on what I want to say to my son and you destroy it" said Juanita. She started to cry and continued "I might as well just stay in here"  
"Maybe crazy isn't something your born with. Maybe its something you catch from your husband" said Christopher

**The criteria of the national association of mental health for the commitment of a family member are as follows; **

**Harm to others**

**(**22 years ago)

Ken had dumped a bowl of oatmeal on Christopher's head. He looked at Juanita and said "What, he wouldn't eat". Then Juanita hit him over the head with a frying pan. She took Kens' food, gave it to Christopher and said "Daddy won't do that again".

**Harm to self**

(17 years ago)

Juanita had gotten back from the store and was showing her new cloths to Ken. "Well what do you think" she said as she modeled them for him.

"Nice but you hair looks like crap" said Ken.

Juanita then went into the bathroom and started shaving her head. Christopher came up to use the bathroom and she came out and said "I'm just fixing my hair. Go give that to your father". Then she handed Christopher a lock of hair.

**Destruction of property**

(A few weeks ago)

"Bye Juanita" said Ken as he passionately kissed her goodbye

"Make sure Christopher gets this" said Juanita as she handed him a letter.

On his way out, Ken tore up the letter.

(Now)

"I was just trying to protect you" said Ken

Titus yelled "How, by locking her in a cage like some pet you can visit. Good Juanita, nice Juanita. Sorry mom"  
"Papa Titus right now you have the credibility of ……..you" said Erin

"Hey at least I visited her" said Ken  
"Yeah well tomorrow you can bump into her at the supermarket, or the post office, or the park. In fact I'll just give her your schedule cuz doctor; I see no reason why this woman should stay in here. Do you doctor?"  
"I see no reason she should have to stay" said the doctor

"Woe wait" said Ken

"In fact if no one else has any objections, we'll start processing her release."

"I have objections"  
"Do you have any new information"  
"This woman is………she's……………………….CRAZY AHHHHHH". Ken messed up his hair and ran out the room.

"Congratulations Juanita" said Erin

"Hey mom, your gunna leave the past in the past now right. I mean your not gunna go after dad" said Titus

"I wouldn't try to kill your father the same week I was released. That would be to obvious."

Titus and Erin gave her a concerned stare and she said "I'm joking"

**My mom's in a mental hospital packing her stuff. If you get a violent crazy woman released, you're a menace. But if you do the same for a harmless medicated mom, you're a hero and she sends you stuff. Because she's harmless and medicated.**

**(Titus opens a box)**

**Like when they let her out in '73 and '76…………….and '84.**

**(Pulls out a jar of jam with a note on it and reads)**

**Dear Christopher, say Hi to your father, love mom.**

**Oh god**

**(Opens the jar and taste the 'jam')**

**Strawberry, I love my mom.**


	9. Chapter 9

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding #6: Titus is Dead

Chapter 9: The Reconciliation

**My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mom was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play father son games like, pin the blame on me, rock paper get me another beer, casino night.**

**I would visit mom occasionally in the mental heath facility. The games would change to, Easter pill hunt, run and avoid the searchlight, drug the guard.**

**That was before mom started taking her own medication. Recently we had our own mother son reunion and I gave her a big hug because I love her and she could have taped a gun to her back. **

Juanita had made a big dinner for Titus and his friends. They were celebrating her release from the mental health facility. Juanita had set down a roast and Titus who was holding a knife said "Mom, I want you to Have this razor sharp knife to cut the roast with."

Juanita smiled as Titus slowly turned around. Dave and Tommy were screaming at him not to do it and Erin told them to shut up. Then Titus completely turned around and faced the wall.

"Christopher I'm proud of you, giving your mother the benefit of the doubt" Said Erin. She pulled Tommy who was resisting as much as he could and made him face the wall. Tommy started to cry and Erin said "Quit being a girl."

Tommy and Erin faced the wall and Tommy was praying to god. Titus called to Dave "This is better than skydiving"

"I'm so in" said Dave. He turned around and faced the wall and said "Wow what a rush. Plus we get roast"

Ken Titus walked in shortly after. He saw the knife in Juanita's hand. He screamed "Juanita", grabbed an empty wine bottle, broke it, held it in front of him and said "Bring it on fruit loops."

Ken screamed "I told you not spring her from the wacko basket. I told you she'd come after us!"

"I just invited her to dinner. What are you doing here" said Titus

"I can stop by if I want"

"That's right, you can. Thanks for coming by. Now get the hell out!"

"Hey I'm the one in your life not her. She's not allowed to have a relationship with you. She hasn't done the work"  
"Dad just because you raised me all alone and she was in the mental hospital you don't have to get all jealous because frankly it's ugly."

"What have you done to him" said Ken to Juanita

"I took my medication and got better" said Juanita

"You see that what she does. She takes her medication for a month and then she stops and tries to kill us."

Titus said, "She tries to kill you. We get dinner. If your gunna get all freaky about whether or not she's gunna stab you in the neck. Well then you can just go home."

"Oh yeah I'll be safe there. She won't possibly try to come over in the night and try to kill me in my sleep" said Ken.

"I'm in no rush" said Juanita, "David would you get my baby potatoes out of the oven".

"Baby potatoes and roast. Don't even tell me theirs yams. Is there yams" asked Dave

Juanita nodded and Dave continued "OH my-god" and ran into the kitchen.

"Dad I'm sorry you have to leave. Honey, go into the kitchen and wrap dad up a plate of beer."

"Hey, it will take the hounds of hell to get me to leave this house" said Ken.

"Can I see you in the kitchen" said Erin

"After I get the hounds of hell" said Christopher

"They're in the kitchen"

Erin shoved Titus into the kitchen where Dave was drinking gravy. Dave noticed them come in and offered them the gravy.

"Out" said Erin

"More for me" said Dave taking the gravy with him.

"Christopher, your father refuses to go. Why don't you just ask him to stay for dinner" said Erin

"Because that would change the dinner conversation from 'pass the potatoes' to 'my eyes! My eyes! Call the cops, your moms a wacko!" said Titus

"Don't think of it as two trains about to collide in a fiery ball of burning human flesh. Think of it as….family night"

"Family night hmmm…..maybe then we get to have 'funeral day'".

**Family night with mom and dad. Scrabble check, boggle check, six pack, pepper spray, skin graft for my upper arm check.**

(10 years ago)

Juanita had cooked spaghetti for Christopher and his dad.

"Juanita where's the romance? Light the damn candles" said Ken

"Fine" said Juanita as she grabbed a can of bug spray. She lit the spray and lit the candles also catching Christopher's' mullet hair on fire. Christopher didn't even notice until Ken tossed a glass of water on him.

(Now)

"Your mom and dad live in the same town. They have to learn to live with each other without all the chasing and the violence" said Erin

"Oh that's nice honey, what are you gunna tackle next? World hunger or maybe we could push the earth out of its orbit" said Titus

"Or maybe we could be really sarcastic"

"Oh great idea lets do that"

"Look, your dad is acting this way because, he is jealous"

"Well he can be that at home away from us."  
"You are always saying what it would be like if they actually got along. Your mother is on antipsychotics. Your father has the heart of a…..150 year old man. You've got a chance at a good two parent memory"  
"are you gunna get the blood out of the couch"  
"The couch, the ceiling, I will be in charge of all blood removal"  
"Oh, just he couch and the ceiling, you are so naïve."

**Erin doesn't understand keeping parents apart. See, do to their ridged catholic beliefs, Erin's parents have steeped there hatred in 40 years of bone chilling, blood curtailing, togetherness. **

(Last year)

"Happy anniversary mom and dad" said Erin bringing in a large cake.

"Now make a wish" she continued as she lit the candles.

"I wish I was dead" said her Dad as he blew the candles out.

"If you say it out loud, it doesn't come true. Idiot" said Erin's mom.

(Now)

Titus and Erin walked back into the living room. Dave was holding a baby potato and saying "What you want me to eat you baby potato. That's because you're a good baby potato."

Titus hit his brother over the back of the head and went up to his dad and said "I want you to stay for dinner."  
"No" said Papa Titus.

"Then go then"  
"NO"

"Oh your welcome baby potato. Now don't you be afraid of the darkness in my belly" said Dave still eating.

Tommy came out from the back room and said "I couldn't find any board games. Hey hears an idea, lets play crazy eights" Then he realized he was right next to Juanita. He continued "Not crazy eights, sane sevens. Let's just play some drinking games because we've got a ringer here" and he pointed to Papa Titus.

"Tommy shut up" said Titus

Titus continued "Dad stay, go whatever, mom go eat, Dave stop eating, Erin keep looking good."  
"I'm staying till she leaves" said Ken to Juanita.

"Or until you pass out" said Juanita

"There's room enough in his life for both of you" said Erin

"You can't have to much love" said Tommy

"Oh yes you can. Chose. Who do you want in your life, me or her" said Ken

"I don't have to choose between you. I'm not five….seven, twelve, or sixteen, anymore" said Titus.

**Normal kids get to choose where they take vacations. I got to choose parents. **

"I wouldn't choose either. Dad growing up with you was hell" said Titus

"Since when" asked Ken

"Ages two through now. High school was wrapping up, I was getting my life together and you made me quit the football team"  
"Hey I didn't want you to be one of those guys who 15 years after high school was still telling stories about his life"

**He doesn't know about this**

"You made me quit because you hated coach Morey" said Titus. He turned to Juanita and continued "Because you slept with coach Morey".

"Guilty. Ken you were so mad, remember" said Juanita

"Oh yeah, but I got back at you by sleeping with his Greek teacher Mrs. Bartouch" said Ken.

"And they say parents don't get involved with their children's schooling."

"What do they know?"

**(17 year old Titus)**

**Pfft, my parents are laughing together, pfft. Oh, like there gunna get back together again, duh. Here's them "ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. Here's me "pfft, whatever, Err". **

"And remember when he was eight, you had him drive you home from the licker store" laughed Juanita.

"I was drunk, that was to protect him" laughed Ken.

"Oh my god that's horrible" said Tommy

"I know, listen to father of the year" said Juanita

"Hey at least I paid the bills. When he stayed with you, he lived in a garage and slept in a steel-belted radial" said Ken.

"Hey remember the time you both forgot me at the airport" said Titus.

"How many six-year-olds get to play all night with a drug sniffing dog" said Juanita

"Hey is that why you didn't pick me up"

"Shhhhhh"

**(10 year old Titus)**

**Mom and Dad are really getting along. I did that. **

"And then that's when you burned all my hair off" said Titus.

"This is great" said Erin.

"This is horrible" said Tommy.

"Woe, snow peas" said Dave.

"Oh remember the night Christopher was conceived" said Juanita.

"How could I forget, your boyfriend was at the bedroom door. It almost killed the moment" said Ken

**(5 year old Titus)**

**I got my mommy back. She likes my daddy. When mommy and daddy really love each other, they make a baby.**

(27 years ago)

Juanita's boyfriend was pounding on the door. He screamed "Let me in, I love you Juanita" He then fired a shotgun trough the door. But even that did not stop Ken Titus

(Now)

Some one had knocked on the door. Juanita said "I forgot to tell you, I invited Bill"

"Bill" said Titus

"My fiancé" said Juanita

The room went quiet

**(5 year old Titus)**

**Who the hell is Bill**

**(Regular Titus)**

**Hey, watch your mouth…….Who the f is Bill**

**(10 year old Titus)**

**Hey, watch your mouth**

**(Regular Titus)**

**Sorry**

"Mom when I told you not to bring anything for dinner, I specifically meant fiancé" said Titus.

"I didn't think you'd mind" said Juanita.

"Where's he gunna sit".

"Next to me".

"Oh right, like I own a chair factory"  
Bill kept knocking and Ken said "what the hell is going on? Why don't you open the door?"

"Wait" said Dave and then he ate a roll.

"See, not enough food. Dave, lick the roast" said Titus.

"Way ahead of you brother" said Dave.

"Wait, No licking" said Erin.

Ken opened the door. Bill came in and said "Hello, you have a beautiful porch".

"I'm Ken Titus. You wanna beer"  
"No thanks, Juanita's told me all about you" said Bill.

"Make her do it under oath"

"Like I've never lied under oath" said Juanita

Juanita and Bill started kissing and Titus said "Hey, Whoa, we don't do that here" said Titus separating them.

**Every time my parents get together, something comes between them. A friend, a coworker, a fuselage.**

Titus put his arm around Bill and said "Were just sitting down at the table where my mom drugged us the night she tried to kill my dad with a broken wine bottle. She's crazy. And look back here, the bed room where she slept with my dad the night she tried to kill him. Save yourself. And look at this beautiful carving knife. Mom actually attacked dad with it in 87. Your next, get out, get out, get out." Titus voice was getting more and more high pitched.

"Are you singing" said Bill

"Isn't he funny" said Erin.

Her voice got high pitched as she said "Get in the kitchen"

"Hey they both do it" said Bill.

When they got into the kitchen, Erin said "What the hell are you doing? Your mom finally found someone she's happy with and you're screwing it up"

"Me" said Titus

"Why are you scaring him off"  
"Well did you see what was going on between mom and dad before he got here."  
"Yes, they were laughing about burning off your hair, cheating on each other, and scarring you for life."  
"I know they're still in love. They need to get a room"

"Still in love. Oh my god, your mother drugged you again. Am I Drugged?"

Ken walked in and said "What the hell is going on. Your brother's licked all the bread sticks"  
"Dad, tell Erin. Tell her you still love mom and you wanna get back together with her" said Titus  
Ken started to laugh hysterically and left the room.

"He's giggling like a schoolboy" said Titus

**So I'm a 27 year old man who wants to see his parents get back together again. You got a problem with that. I also want a pony. And not a kid pony, an adult pony. With a cool saddle and cup holders. That's right, pony cup holders. **

Ken walked back into the living room and said "listen to this Juanita. Our genius son thinks we might actually get back together again."

Juanita started to laugh hysterically and said "Christopher, that's so sweet and delusional. Maybe you need one of my pills."

"Ok mom, deny it all you want, but what is this electricity between you" said Titus.

"Honey that ship has sailed" said Juanita.

"Sailed, it was captured by pirates, set on fire, and crashed on the rocks" said Ken.

"The last twelve times you guys broke up, you got back together again" said Tommy. He noticed Bill looking at him. He continued "I'm sure with you Bill, it will be different because you'll keep her happy and you better because this woman is a nympho. No, I mean from all the stories that Mr. Titus used to tell me. I mean when I was younger, you know how I used to fantasize about her. No, I mean I used to take 40 minute showers, oh my god. Battleship, we should play Battleship. I have one at home. I'm going to go get it." Then Tommy left.

"Christopher honey, your father and I will never get back together again. I have Bill now" said Juanita

"Well, somebody doesn't get dinner" said Titus as he took away Bill's plate.

Ken said "Hey put that back. Come on Christopher your embarrassing me. You're embarrassing your mother and acting like a fool."

"He's a fool because he loves his parents. It's admirable to fight against impossible odds. In some ways, he's a hero" said Bill

"Shut up Bill….what" said Titus

"I may be speaking out of turn, but everyone wants to believe that the love between there mother and father is pure and eternal."  
"Thank you. Somebody gets me" said Titus as he put Bill's plate back.

"Yeah he gets you because you're both speaking Wussy" said Ken.

"Interesting that you would choose the word wussy" said Bill.

"Interesting" repeated Titus.

"He's a wussy because he'd like to find a little love in his life" said Bill.

"Thank you, somebody gets me" said Ken.

"None of that makes him a wussy" said Erin

"From what Juanita's told me, your father has under-compensated for her absence by manipulating and belittling you all your life."  
"Its like you were there" said Titus.

"Hey if I ever manipulated and belittled my kid it's because he deserved it" said Ken.

"Hear, hear" said Dave slamming his hands on the table and taking a bite of roast.

Everyone stopped and looked at Dave. He just continued eating.

"I challenge you to be willing to create the family that you imagined. I could be your family too. Families don't have to be biological" said Bill.

"He sounds like a dime store shrink" said Ken.

"Stanford actually".

"Don't tell me you're actually a shrink".

"He's my shrink. That's how we met" said Juanita.

"Whoa, you're my mothers' therapist" said Titus.

"He's a little more than that" said Ken.

"I'm going to Stanford" said Dave.

**The reason therapist go to school is to figure out there own crap. Now I don't want to slander the entire psychiatric community you yacht owning money sucking humps. Oh, well that might have been slander.**

"This is great. Just when I think mom and dad can never get back together again, it turns out you're a scumbag" said Titus to Bill

"What kind of therapist sleeps with his patient" asked Erin?

"Actually it's quite common in erotic cinema" said Dave.

"Hey don't get mad at Bill. He didn't seduce me. I seduced him" said Juanita

"I have seen that so many times" said Dave.

"We have a wonderful relationship. He listens to me" said Juanita.

"You pay him to" said Titus.

"And she's all better now thanks to me" said Bill.

"Thanks to you laying cable with a mental patient or am I missing something here" said Ken.

"No papa preach" said Titus.

"Honestly I can assure you I've had many many intimate relationships with patients in the past and it's never been a problem. You know you're in no position to be judging anyone" said Bill.

"Well what position do you like' em in Billy. You're the shrink with the fold out couch. Juanita you really got a winner here. Stanford PHD, what does it say on your diploma? 'Permission to bone the loonies"

"What's going on in your life that you need to lash out at me?"  
"What is this, therapy or foreplay. Look at me, I'm all drugged up and insane Billy and totally unaware of the therapist without pants"  
"You have anger control issues"  
"Why haven't you jumped my whacked out bones yet Billy? Do you think he's picky?"

Bill had had enough. He punched Ken Titus in the stomach. Juanita held back Bill and Titus and Dave held back Ken. Ken was laughing and said "See that, underneath every therapist is a guy who wants to punch you in the gut and sleep with your mother."

"Your negativity created that" said Bill

"Your ass is showing"

"You goaded him Ken" said Juanita

"Get the hell out of my house" said Titus angrily to Bill.

"Juanita I think I should go" said Bill.

"Thanks for coming Bill and punching my dad. I mean I'd ask you to stay for desert, but I know my dad and he's gunna make you punch him again. Goodbye. Mom, Dad, lets eat".

"Uh, no Christopher, honey, I'm not staying here without Bill" said Juanita.0

"What" said Titus?

"Your father drove him to do that. He should go".

"Mom you're not giving me a choice".

**Now I'm 27, Err**

"Well I think you should go" said Titus.

Juanita scoffed and said "Fine, Let's go Bill."

Bill turned back and said "I hope I've been helpful in some way". Then he ran out the door when he saw how angry Titus, Dave, and Ken looked.

Juanita started "Christopher I'm-"

"Sorry. Yeah mom, I'm sorry, I know" said Titus.

"Goodbye Kenneth" said Juanita.

"Good night Juanita" said Ken.

As she left, Ken screamed out the door "I told you he'd choose me".

**My parents got divorced because that's the way it's supposed to be and their never gunna get back together again.**

**(5 year old Titus)**

**Let's get rid of Bill**

**(Regular Titus)**

**You are so smart**


	10. Chapter 10

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding #6: Titus is Dead

Chapter 10: The Last Noelle

**Death is good! If it's someone you don't like. OH come on, Vlad the Impaler? I mean, Hitler's dead! Woo-Hoo! No matter how heinous someone is, remember there's always a chance that a deputy from Barstow will find their body in the desert rolled up in charred carpet. **

**No matter how psychotic someone is there's someone who loved them and didn't want them dead. I mean Hitler had Eva Braun. Vlad the Impaler had the misses….Carol…..the Impaler. I myself have loved many psychos. **

**I loved Taylor**

(12 years ago)

Titus woke to the sound of Taylor crying as she cut his long mullet hair. He looked at her and said "Honey, this will not bring your dog back."

**When I left home, I hacked my way through that briar patch of psycho bitches. And then I met Noelle. Noelle's dead. I was with her when she was alive. It's creepy the other way. **

(Now)

Titus had walked into the funeral home and was looking around until he heard Tommy come right up behind him. He said "Titus, I didn't know you were coming to the wake. Oh my god is Erin here too? Did you finally tell her about Noelle? Oh, it will be such a relief not to keep this a secret anymore."  
Titus tried to disguise his voice and said "I'm not Titus."

"You still haven't told her. Titus".  
"Stop calling me that".

"Why haven't you told Erin about Noelle"?  
"You know why. Shut up"

While they were arguing, Noelle's brother came up and said "Christopher".

"Brian, hey" said Titus.

"Thanks for coming. Noelle would have wanted you here"  
"It's good to see you. You're sure she's dead right. She's not in a coma or something? Because, I heard that can happen."  
"She's dead"  
"Good"

"I'm so sorry about Noelle. I've always considered myself an honorary member of your family" said Tommy

Brian looked at him and said "And you are?"

"Tommy Shafter. Your next door neighbor for 12 years"

"Oh………..Thanks for coming" said Brian and he went into the chapel.

"He doesn't remember me" said Tommy.

"Tommy, he's got a lot on his mind. Somebody is dead" said Titus.  
"I baby sat for them".  
"All right"

Suddenly, Dave ran in. "What the hell are you doing here" asked Titus. Dave at a loss for words just hit himself over the head. "Why did you do that" asked Titus.

Erin soon walked in and said "Hi, who's Noelle?"

Titus looked at Dave who covered his head. Titus stomped on his foot causing Dave to fall down.

"I thought you had to pick up an engine in Santa Clarita. Who's Noelle" asked Erin

"Gee, I-I lied about Santa Clarita. You'd think you want to know about that" said Titus.

Erin grabbed Tommy and asked "Who's Noelle?"

Tommy fearfully responded "Do we ever really know who people are? I mean…..We just came in to use the bathroom……………………She was my wife."  
"Dammit Tommy" said Titus,

"Who's Noelle" yelled Erin as she pushed Titus.

"She's just this girl I dated ok. A couple of times, its no big deal. Look, hon, you know how you always say we need to work on our communication skills? Let's do that tonight at home. I'll race you. And GO" said Titus. Erin however was not amused. Titus noticed but continued "you're gunna loose."

"Why didn't you tell me about her" asked Erin

"I'm gunna beat you"

"Christopher, why"

"Because she's a girl and you're a girl and that's a conflict. She meant nothing."

"And you're at her wake"

"This is a wake" said Tommy trying to sound surprised.

"Tommy we've stopped lying" said Titus.

"Oh, I'm gunna see who's here". Then Tommy walked into the chapel

Titus turned back to Erin and said "I'm just here to make sure she's dead."

"What" said Erin?

"Oh, well, you don't want her buried alive, right. I mean, remember that movie. You hated that movie."

"I understand. I haven't told you about all the men that I've slept with. All the many, many, Many, MANY, men I slept with."  
"That's just to get me back, right?"

"You bet"

Dave interrupted and said "What about girls? Were there any girls?"

"Shut up Dave" said Titus

"When I was done with them, they were women" laughed Erin.

"Alright, alright. I lied, I'm sorry" said Titus.

"Were any of the women Asian" said Dave

**Everybody says they want the truth, but if that were the case, 50 of the planet would not were shorts. Well because someone had told them the truth. Oh, I mean they look good on you. You're fine.**

(A while back)

Ken Titus was hitting on a girl at a bar. Well, more like criticizing. He told her "You should try one of those stick-up bras like my third wife. She's as old as you and there're perky as kittens."

The girl angrily walked out of the bar and Ken yelled "Ok, but you're gunna have to name them "To" and "Fro"." Then he took a sip from his beer.

(Now)

Tommy had come out of the chapel and said "Erin, Titus, Lets go. You can't go in there."

"Why not" asked Erin.

"Uh…..Noelle's head fell off"

"Tommy it's ok. She knows Noelle and I only went out a couple of times" said Titus.

"Right so lets go" said Tommy.

"Not till I see the head" said Erin.

Erin pushed her way into the chapel. What she saw took her breath away. It was a giant portrait of Christopher with his arms wrapped around Noelle. Titus saw this and grabbed Erin saying "uh-oh, Tommy's right. We should not look at the poor girl without any head."

Erin looked at Titus and said "Was it the first or the second date that you posed for the portrait"

"Oh, hey! That was, uh……both dates actually. Two really, just long but boring dates……that lasted a year apiece."

"So you went out with her for two years?"

"No not two years. It was like a year and a half we lived together."

"You lived with her."

"I lived with her"  
"What does that mean 'you lived with her'?"

"Nothing. You know how you and I live together? It was exactly like that except you have a much better TV."

Erin gasped and said "How come I've never heard about this?"

"I talk about your TV all the time. And the way you have it hooked up to your stereo, it sounds incredible."  
"Christopher, stop it"  
"look, Noelle meant nothing to me. lets just go"

Then Brian walked up to him and said "Christopher, listen I found this letter addressed to you in Noelle's things. She must have never mailed it."

"Let's see" said Erin as she grabbed the letter.

"It's a federal offense to read someone else's letters" said Titus. He grabbed the letter from Erin and tore it up. He looked at Brian who was crushed by what Titus did and said "I'll read it later"

**(Reading the torn letter)**

"**Love you too…..I promise….mine forever….." aw. These pieces still aren't small enough. **

(5 years ago)

The portrait had just been taken. Noelle looked at Titus and said "I want us to be together forever. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever".

"And Ever" mocked Titus.

"If you leave me I'll kill you".

"I love you too".

(Now)

Erin and Titus left the chapel. Erin said "You are acting crazy. Just talk to me. Were you still seeing her? Did you have a child with her? What?"

Titus said "Oh yeah, that's it, we have a kid. Yeah he lives in the basement. He survives off of money he finds in dead peoples clothing."

"I'm an uncle" said Dave

"Dave shut up. We're leaving" said Titus

"Hey, not without my nephew mister" said Dave

"Yeah, you leave if you want to, but I am not going till I find out what's going on" said Erin

"You are bringing everybody down" said Titus

"Someone here must know about your sordid double life with Noelle. Where are her parents" said Erin

"They uh couldn't make it" said Titus

"They're over there talking to Tommy" said Dave.

Tommy was trying to convince Noelle's parents that they knew him. "I was the one who mowed your lawn and cleaned out your gutters. For far less than minimum wage" said Tommy

"Of course we remember you Robert" said Noelle's Dad

Tommy walked away.

"Honey, you can't talk to them" said Titus

"Who would you like me to, Christopher? Her sister? Her Brother? Who" said Erin?

Erin walked up to a random family member and asked "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you. Is Noelle's brother here?"

"Her brother is dead" said Titus

"I'm her brother" said Brian

"Oh look, another lie. Christopher said you were dead" said Erin.

"No that was my brother Marty" said Brian

"Oh my god I'm so sorry" said Erin

"Why are you trying to hurt me" said Brian

Brian walked off with a tear in his eye. He saw Tommy in front of him with open arms and turned around and walked the other way.

"You know, somebody owes somebody an apology at home" said Titus

"Christopher, you and I are engaged. I'm not gunna spend the rest of my life with a man I cannot trust. Someone here must know about you and Noelle. So either you tell me now or I'm gunna ask everybody in here one by one" said Erin.

**If you're willing to let someone believe something horrible in order to hide the truth, can you imagine how horrible that truth must be? Man, I sure as hell wouldn't wanna be me right now.**

"Erin! She was the love of m life" said Titus

"What" said Erin?

"She was the love of my life and I knew that I could never love you as much as I love her and when we broke up, I knew that I would always have to settle fore someone less. Happy?"

Erin gave Christopher a long hurt stare and walked out of the chapel.

After she left, Christopher said to himself "Well that was easy. Thanks, Noelle"

**Of all the survivors of domestic abuse, 80 never tell anyone. Of all the 6'2", 200-lb. Men beaten up by s 5" 98-lb. Woman….100 never tell anyone.**

**(Reading Noelle's letter)**

"**Dear Christopher, I love you too much, that's the problem. Be mine forever and I'll promise never to punch you again. Love, Noelle."**

**God bless us everyone.**

Titus had followed Erin out of the chapel and into the lobby. There was a long silence. After about 10 minutes, Erin tearfully said "So this Noelle….the love of your life, what was she like?"

"Honey, when I told you that, you were supposed to leave, ok. You don't wanna have this talk" said Titus

"I mean, what made you love her? What did she do that…I mean how was she diff….."

"Well she didn't cry, I'll tell you that."

"All I wanna know Christopher is, do you think you could love me as much as you loved her."

"Oh, ok, look, I never loved Noelle. That was a lie. If you can't figure out when I'm lying, then I don't know if I can trust you."

**Noelle, my loving ex-girlfriend, used to beat the crap out of me. We had one fight where she thought I was watching the doublemint twins' commercial too intently. **

(5 years ago)

Noelle and Christopher were watching the doublemint commercial and she noticed that Christopher had a slight grin on his face.

"Why are you looking at them like that" said Noelle to Christopher.

**She said she had a sugar imbalance. Diabetes is a sugar imbalance. Noelle was an estrogen Molotov cocktail. I started carrying Twix in a holster.**

Titus pulled out a Twix from his pocket and offered it to Noelle.

"You are really pissing me off" said Noelle.

**The only one I ever told was my dad. There's always one guy in your life you can tell anything to. Someday I'll meet that guy.**

(Several nights later)

Titus banged on the door of his dads house screaming "Dad, let me in, she kicked my ass again".

Ken Titus opened the door, pulled his son in and yelled "Shut up. I have a reputation in this neighborhood."

Ken yelled out the door "What's that you say boy? Your drug habit kicked your ass? Then I have to send your butt to rehab!"

Ken closed the door and said to Christopher "You tell anyone that munchkin beat you up and I'll kick your ass."

(Now)

Erin had calmed down a bit, stopped crying and said "So Noelle wasn't the love of your life"

"No" said Titus

"And she used to beat you up"  
"Shhhhh……..yes"

"Oh, that's great. I feel so much better."

Tommy walked back into the chapel with Noelle's grandpa Jack. He said "Okay everyone, see, this is Grandpa Jack. Now he remembers me. What's my name?"

"Tommy" said Grandpa Jack. He continued "Yup, we was in the war together."  
"Oh god" said Tommy

"1944"  
"Hmm-mm"  
"he saved my life"  
"mm"

"I see your arm grew back"

"Yeah"

"INCOMING"  
"yeah ok. Se you in the mess tent" then Tommy led Grandpa Jack to his seat.

"Honey, you can always talk to me. There is no shame in that little girl beating you up" said Erin

Tommy had walked out of the chapel saying "Noelle beat you up?"

"What she beat you up" said Dave eavesdropping and laughing.

**Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring…….except the psycho bitch on the couch. **

(5 years ago)

"Twix, two for you none for me" said Christopher. Noelle was giving him that 'I'm gunna hit you' look.

**I looked pleadingly to my girl, her face fury red, while visions of me and the doublemint twins danced in her head. With bile in my throat and no help in sight, I put on a smile and……..my sphincter got tight. **

"Hey, honey, it's Christmas. Let's just turn our attention back to Rudolph" said Christopher.

"What kind of loser watches this crap" said Noelle.

**This is Rudolph, I thought, and turned to argue my case, but I must have had a 'what's your problem bitch' look because she punched me in the face. **

**I picked up her 300 dollar pradas, the left and right shoe, and out into the street, both shoes I then threw. Out the front door she went in hot pursuit. Yeah, this girl would chase a designer label like a fat guy after a velour jogging suit.**

**In fear for my life, I locked up the place, turned my attention to Rudolph and wished I had mace. When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter. I grabbed the cord, pulled open the blinds and there was Noelle quiet out of her mind. **

**My heart stopped frozen with fear while she beat on the glass with a vodka bottle filled just 'bout to here. I knew the window couldn't much take it and she was screaming-**

"UNLOCK IT, YOU BASTARD, OR I SWEAR I'LL BREAK IT".

**Well, I couldn't let her do that, it was a rented place. So I opened the door and she punched me in the face. So summoning my manhood from bottom to top, I screamed like a little girl-**

"I'M CALLING THE COPS".

(Now)

"Why didn't you just leave" asked Erin.

"Lets just say it was a very….physical relationship" said Titus.

**The booty was good. **

"Sex? Honey, no sex is good enough to keep you coming back to an abusive relationship" said Erin.

"Oh, yes it is" said Titus.

**The bigger the fight, the better the booty. Okay let's see where was I? Oh yeah**

(5 years ago)

"I'M CALLING THE COPS"

**I just finished dialing and she was standing right there wearing pearls and those pradas, but otherwise bare. She spoke not a word but went strait to work reeling me in with that 'you're my big daddy' smirk. And I herd her exclaim as she turned out the lights-**

"You know this is your fault, I love you too much to fight."

"It's nothing" Titus said to the cops as he put down the phone.

(Now)

"Christopher, this wasn't about the sex" said Erin.

Titus said "Oh yes it was, it was unbelievable. You know what she used to do? She took this thing…."

"Ok, don't wanna hear it. You think it was about the sex. But did she…come here". Erin whispered in Titus ear and he started laughing.

"No, you have a patent on that" said Titus.

"Then it wasn't about the sex" said Erin.

"Why else would I stay with her?"

"Your mother is a violent manic depressive schizophrenic"  
"stop"

"But your mom is a lot like"

"No don't say it. I don't wanna hear it. You're wrong"

**Ok, they both have high IQs, and they're both beautiful and charming and they drove men crazy and yes, my mom is a semi-violent manic depressive schizophrenic and Noelle is nuts. But my mom, you know, is……..so much taller.**

Dave walked back in saying "hey Titus, take off without me, dude". He had his arm around a crying woman and said "This is Nancy. Her grandfathers on deck at 4:30". Nancy walked off and Titus gave Dave a 'what the hell' look and Dave said "hey, she's Asian"

"Honey, you don't even know why you're here, do you" said Erin

Titus stuttered and said "No"

"Honey, you couldn't fix you mother so you tried to fix Noelle. You're here to forgive Noelle because, you always forgive your mother"  
"Hell no, I'm not forgiving her"  
"Yes you are, because you've got me now. You don't need her or all that anger in your life anymore. And if you don't go in there, I'm gunna punch you in the face."

Titus flinched and Erin said "Just kidding"

"I tell you the scariest, most humiliating thing in my life and you mock me" said Titus.

"No, you tell me the scariest, most humiliating thing in your life and I stand by you".

Erin hugged Titus and they walked back into the chapel. Erin pushed Titus towards Noelle's casket. Titus looked in and said "Good, dead. Um….hey Noelle. Uh, my girlfriend Erin who, by the way, is wonderful and hasn't ever laid a hand on me…says I should make my piece with you. Which is so much like her, I mean….She's always helping people. So, I forgive you for being an incredibly abusive, controlling bitch who tortured me. And another thing you miserable psychotic fist wielding harpy dwarf, I was just trying to be a good guy and you were…"

"Honey" said Erin tugging him.

"What"  
"I meant forgive in prayer. You know church voice. We should go"

"Yeah"

Erin noticed Noelle's parents and said "Were so sorry"

Titus turned back to Noelle's casket and said "And you know what else. Erin is like my mom too, but just the good parts. She's smart and she's funny and she's beautiful and she's sexy".

"All right that is enough" said Brian.

"Let him finish" said Erin.

"And we're going home right now and we're gunna watch Rudolph, because its Christmastime and, Ho-Ho, she gets it. Yeah, can't be little miss tough, punching a guy from a box. How does that feel?"

Erin pulled Titus out and Tommy got up yelling "I bet your not gunna forget little Bobby Shafter now, huh, what's my name". Then Erin went back in and grabbed Tommy. She went back in one more time and said "Great wake, everyone."

**Death is good…for evil people. But who decides who's evil? Noelle always said that if I left her, she'd kill me. She died first. Hey Noelle, I never wanted you dead. I only wanted you gone. So wherever you are….rest in piece. Or, Merry Christmas. Whatever.**


	11. Chapter 11

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding #6: Titus is Dead

Chapter 11: Episode 27

**My father never chooses me for anything. If he needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well…………he'd take it because he was dieing. It's not that he doesn't love me, because he does. It's just that special kind of love that you know feels like neglect.**

**You deal with enough rejection in your life; you grow a thick hard callus on your soul. Anybody shakes hands with my soul, they know that souls done a hard days work. **

(Last month)

Papa Titus walked into "Titus: High Performance" to ask his son something important.

"Cathy and I are getting married in a month. Do you wanna be the best man" asked Papa Titus.

"Well what, you couldn't find a homeless guy" said Christopher.

"I'm serious. You're my Son, you're an adult now. I think of you as my friend."  
"Yeah, I guess. Ok"

"And Cathy wants a rehearsal dinner so you think you could, uh…."

"Yeah, I'll make a toast"

As soon as Papa Titus left, Christopher started to do his happy dance.

**My dad has never treated me like a friend before. He's always treated me like an enemy. An enemy whose baby shoes he hung from a rearview mirror. **

**I've taken the best moments of my fathers like and compiled them into a heartwarming three and a half minutes. Who is the bestest best man? **

(Now)

Titus had finished showing Cathy's family his 3 ½ minute movie. He held up a glass of wine and said "To my father, to my teacher, to well, my best friend. Thank you for making me your best man."

Cathy said "That was lovely and it reminds me, I don't want him to be your best man. I want it to be my father." She looked over at her father who was sound asleep in his wheel chair.

Titus looked over at his dad who said "Hey, she does sex with me. You're out."

Later, Titus was drinking some wine and Tommy was complaining "After all the work you put into this party, you should be the best man. I am furious. He has messed with the wrong guy."

"Tommy, no wait, its okay, okay? You don't have to go get into his face" said Titus

"Oh thank god. Look at me I'm shaking"

Erin called Titus over and said "Listen; don't be mad at your father. Be mad at Cathy. She's the evil one. I hate her. I mean, she's a shrew! She's not even human. She's half dog, half wolf!"  
Titus said "We shouldn't judge her until we've walked a mile in her….hooves."  
"So you are upset"  
"No, I'm over it. I am not mad."  
"Honey, you know what? I really hate that. You are never upset when I am upset. Why can't we be upset together?"  
"Ok next Saturday, I'll tell you you have a big butt and we'll make a night out of it"

**Dad taught that when you reveal a weakness, you reveal you're human. "And humans die". Of course they squirm first. That's the part dad likes best.**

"Hi, my sister says she feels awful about taking away best man from you" said Cathy's Sister Susan.

"Well you know what? She should" said Erin

"I'm just kidding. She never said that"

Erin was about to jump her until Titus held her back.

"You know this really means a lot to Christopher. If you could put a word in to your daughter?" said Tommy to Cathy's dad. He was still fast asleep and snoring really loud. Tommy continued "Of course you'd probably have to first swallow the phlegm ball that's making the noise!"

Dave walked up with his new girlfriend Nancy. Dave said "Sorry were late, we were in the parking lot having sex. If you know what I mean". Dave and Nancy started laughing. Nancy said "He kills me".  
"He's special" said Titus.

"The best man's asleep" said Tommy.

"Oh, perfect" said Titus.

"But I thought you were the best man" said Dave.

"No Dave, Cathy made Papa Titus replace him with her father. She's an evil vicious Motard" said Erin.

"What is that" asked Titus.

"Made it up" said Erin.

"So your not best man. Dude, I'm so sorry. You spent hours on that speech" said Dave.

"No I didn't" said Titus.

"Yes you did. You spent hours and hours and hours. That's time you'll never get back. That's time you could have spent having sex with Erin, if you know what I mean."

"Dave"  
"Yeah"

"Everybody's cracked your little code."

**My brother Dave has two god-given gifts. One, he can take the lowest point in your life and just amplify it so you have a new lowest point in your life.**

(10 years ago)

Titus and his girlfriend had just broken up and he was crying "Lisa! Lisa!"

Dave said "I'm sorry dude. You'll never find another girl like her again."

"LISA! LISA! LISA!"

**And two, he can lie on his back, fill his mouth with milk and let a dog drink out of it.**

Titus had finally stopped crying and Dave said "Dude! So what if Lisa was perfect. Look what I can do". Then Dave laid down on his back, poured some milk into his mouth and a dog he had found ran up and drank out if it.

(Now)

Cathy tapped her glass and said "Everybody, the best man would like to give a toast." Titus almost got up but then he saw the evil look on Cathy's face and sat back down.

Cathy nudged her dad and he woke up and asked "What". Cathy handed him a glass of wine and said "Your toast".

"Oh. Down the hatch". Then he chugged the glass.

Erin said "What, that's it. Down the hatch! Christopher, you should give your toast"

"Oh no. No body follows down the hatch. He's good" said Titus.

"Everybody, Christopher has a toast".

"No I don't".

"Honey, I will not be outdone by Greta Von Whackbag!"  
"What the hell does that mean"  
"I don't know. I just have so much hatred inside; I don't know what I'm saying. So just go over there and be funny or no more sex."  
"You got a funny speech" asked Ken.

"Yes he does. It's hilarious. It puts 'down the hatch' to shame" said Erin.

"Ok, everybody quite down. My son is gunna make us all laugh. Let the magic begin"

**My dad is full of support and encouragement. He just makes it feel like abandonment and betrayal. It's his god-given gift. It's as if an angel touched him on the head and said, "Go thou forth Kenneth and rip thy boy a new one". **

Titus read his speech "It's an honor being chosen to be my dads' best man best man."  
"Was an honor" said Cathy.

Titus laughed and crumpled up his speech and said "You know dad doesn't really need a rehearsal dinner because he's been married, what, five times? I'm pretty sure he knows his lines by now. It's 'I will', 'I do', and 'get the hell out bitch'!" This caused the Titus family to laugh while Cathy's family did not. Titus continued "Dad also recycles the figurines on top of the wedding cake. You know the one where the grooms face down on the icing and the bride is talking to her layer?"

The Titus family broke out into laughter again. Papa Titus looked over at Cathy who was not laughing and said "Well, that was funny!"

Cathy said "There's nothing funny about alcohol abuse on cakes." She looked over at Christopher and said "That's enough, now sit down idiot."

"Okay your right. I was gunna be dad's best man but I guess I'll just have to wait for the next wedding. Lucky for me it's never that long a wait" said Titus. He grabbed a wine glass and yelled "Down the hatch."

Cathy's dad woke up, grabbed a wine glass, said "Down the hatch" and chugged the wine.

"Are you gunna let him talk to you like that" said Susan to Cathy. Christopher started mocking her until Cathy said "I hate to disappoint you but there's not going to be another wedding. For Kenny, I'm the end of the line."  
"That's for sure" laughed Dave.

"Your fathers made some mistakes" said Cathy. She went over to Christopher and said "He had you, he kept you and he adopted Dave. That's a failure trifecta". With that, Cathy's family and Ken Titus laughed. Ken said "and she cooks to. I love these things. Everybody gets slammed."

"I've turned your fathers' life around. He doesn't drink anymore. I did that. Me, right here" said Cathy

"Tell them" said Susan.

"I'm his savior. Not you. You know what you are?"  
"Tell us"  
"Not the best man"

Cathy looked over at Christopher who was frowning and said "Aww, boo-hoo, Daddy. I made a video. Daddy, please love me."

Ken started laughing.

**There are certain lines you don't cross. Because once you cross those lines, it changes the nature of the relationship. Screwed up people aren't aware of these lines. And I don't know what that line is for me, but I am pretty sure Cathy crossed it. Okay, Cathy, you wanna play? **

**(Opens a safe and retrieves a tape)**

**Dads' drunk driving video.**

Titus was showing Cathy's family the tape, occasionally pausing it to add his own commentary. "Here we see dad weaving into the drunk driving check point. Two wheels on the sidewalk. Thank god you got him to stop drinking Cathy."  
"Turn that off" said Ken.

"What are you gunna do, make me not best man."  
"Wait, I want to see this" said Cathy

Titus said "Yeah, Cathy knows a good action movie when she sees one. Okay, now the cops want dad to step from the vehicle. He opens the door and the nice officers help him back to his feet".

"Rewind that tape. That black cop pushed me" said Ken.

"Now he's attempting the touch-your-nose test. He put the beer down first, thank god. But I'm pretty sure he's supposed to touch his own nose. Any body else ever see a cop that pissed off?" Then Dave raised his hand and without even having to look, Titus said "Besides Dave. Ok now here's a switch. A lady cop and dads frisking her."

"It was an old high school sweetheart…does anybody else have a toast" said Ken

Cathy's dad woke up, grabbed a wine bottle and said "Down the hatch."

Cathy started to walk off and Ken said "Cat, I told you about that. Didn't I?"  
Susan looked at him and said "This is your knight in shining armor, you poor desperate thing."

"But I know he loves me" said Cathy

"You poor, desperate, older than me, thing".

Ken tried to say "Look Cathy I…" but he was cut off by a slap from Cathy.

Cathy said "The weddings off! We're done!" Cathy walked out of the room.

After Cathy left, Erin yelled "Woo-Hoo! The bitch is gone!"

**Goodbye Greta Von Wackbag. **

"Wow, talk about an overreaction huh dad" said Titus

"Cathy" Cried Ken.

"What is that? What are you doing?"

"Nothing"

"You're not crying, you don't cry, stop crying"

"You made dad cry" said Dave

"I did not, shut up" said Titus

Dave turned to his girlfriend and said "Get me some milk and a dog quick".

20 minutes later, Papa Titus was sitting at a table crying. Titus was saying "Come on, your kidding right?"  
"Go away, I don't want anybody to see me like this" cried Ken.

"Dad look, everybody's pissed at me! You got me okay."

"It doesn't matter! Leave me alone"

"Dad this is weird. You're acting like you have feelings"

Ken walked up to the bar and asked for a bottle of whiskey.

"Christopher fix this. He's drinking. He shouldn't be drinking" said Erin.

"It's an open bar" said Titus

"Christopher"  
"Ok, aright"

Christopher was about to walk over to his dad until he was rear ended by Cathy's Dad. He said "You and Me outside. We're going round and round". He then wheeled himself outside.

Titus went up to his dad and said "Dad look. This is for the best okay. Cathy was just the heart attack rebound chick. There's other fish in the sea."  
"But where am I gunna meet another woman like Cathy"  
"What about the bartender. She's your type. She's hot and she can tap a keg"

**A salamander can loose its tale and grow a new one in three weeks. My father can score new tail in three minutes.**

Tommy walked up and said "Mr. Titus I may have some words that can help. If I may"  
"Shut up fruit" said Papa Titus.

"Well, when you say 'shut up fruit', what I'm really hearing is…."  
"SHUT UP FRUIT"

"That's what I'm hearing" then Tommy walked off.

"I can't watch him like this" said Titus

"Well honey, I hate myself for saying this. But you have to do the right thing and go get Cathy back" said Erin

"I hate you for saying that. Well it's not hate. But I'm annoyed."

**Do the right thing**

**No**

**Do the right thing**

**NO **

**Do the right thing**

**Oh……alright**

**That's me**

Titus walked out the restaurant and found Cathy standing there. He walked up to her and her dad ran into his side saying "Bastard".

"Cathy, look I came to apologize" said Titus  
"Again papa" said Cathy.

Then her dad ran into Titus' side again. Titus pushed him back and screamed "STAY!"

Cathy said "I was hoping Ken would come out here and beg me to stay but of course all I get is you picking a fight with my crippled father"

"No, dad actually loves you. I mean he hasn't had a drink since that night and he's in there right now crying his eyes out."  
"Kenny doesn't cry. Why would he cry over me?"

"Well because you're such a…Terrific l-lady."

**They say that lying causes tumors, but that hasn't been proven.**

**(Points to a huge lump on his neck)  
**

**This, it's just an ingrown hair. Relax.**

"No your father and I will never work. He lies about his drinking" said Cathy.

"Yeah" said Titus

"And I see the way he looks at other women."  
"Yeah"  
"Obviously I'm not pretty enough"  
"Yeah…Right. You? Not pretty enough? Oh come on. You're way pretty. You're almost too pretty. Really, really, pretty. Dave actually calls you really pretty Cathy.

**(The lump has gotten bigger)**

**Oh this is nothing. This is probably a bite. I scratched it too hard, you know. Maybe a spider laid eggs in my neck or something.**

"Treat my daughter like that" screamed Cathy's Dad as he ran into Titus' side again. Titus pushed him back again. Titus grabbed a broom that was lying on the ground and used it to jam the wheels on his chair.

"And you have a very pretty girl here. I would defend her too" said Titus.

"I know I'm pretty. People are always staring" said Cathy

"Yeah, oh, you're a traffic stopper" said Titus

"Your father will just hurt me again"  
"No you changed him. He needs you. The whole family needs you." Erin walked out but before she could say anything, Titus said, "In fact, Erin wants you to be the Maid of honor at our wedding" and Erin walked back into the Restaurant.

**(The lump has gotten even bigger)**

**It's probably benign. Maybe I'll just buy a hat for it. **

"So, could we just go get you and Dad back together" said Titus

"Alright, just let me go fix my face" said Cathy.

"There's not a thing you can do"

"Stop flirting with me. I'm not that much older than you."  
"And don't think I don't know that"

**(Draws a face in his tumor)**

**I call him Ramon. **

"Its go time" said Cathy's Dad as he took broom out of his wheelchair.

"Wait, we worked everything out" said Titus

"Eat my chair Blondie" screamed Cathy's dad. He rushed forward and Titus stepped to the side. Cathy's dad hit a bump and he flew into a garbage can.

Titus looked at him and said "Down the hatch" and walked back into the restaurant.

Titus walked in to find Papa Titus arms around the bartender mixing a drink.

"They used to call this a high ball" said Ken.

"Dad" said Titus

"What"  
"What the hell are you doing?!"

"I took your advice. I caught another fish. Check out the gills and the boobs if you know what I mean"  
"Dad I just got Cathy back for you"  
"Well nobody asked you to"  
"Yeah who wants her back" said Erin

"Dad what about the tears, I saw you crying" said Titus

"Oh I did that to humiliate you in front of friends and family like you did to me."

They started to have a nice laugh until Cathy walked into the room. "Hey you" said Ken then he introduced her to the bartender Betty.

"You lying cheating drunk" said Cathy

"Hey, you slapped me and you walked out. My son was right. I was on the heart attack rebound. We're not right for each other just like he said".

"YOU TOLD ME I WAS PRETTY" said Cathy to Titus.

"Yeah but I thought Dad wanted you back" said Titus

"You set me up, you little bastard."  
Titus looked over at Erin and said "I didn't set her up. I meant it when I did it."  
Cathy went around the bar, reached under it and pulled out a shotgun. She screamed "We'll see who's prettier, me or the guy with no head."

"Oh crap, another wacko with a gun" said Ken.

"Dad, bad time for criticism. Okay, Cathy, when I said you were pretty, I really meant it! Erin, tell Cathy how pretty she is."  
"Uh… pretty Cathy" yelled Erin as she ducked under a table.

"TOMMY" yelled Titus.

"I think I can put this all into perspective" said Tommy. Cathy pointed the gun at him and Tommy screamed like a little girl and ran out. While Cathy had her back turned Titus grabbed a wine bottle and Ken got behind him. Cathy turned back to Titus and Ken screamed "Bring it on wacko".

"DAD" screamed Titus.

"You're all a bunch of liars!" screamed Cathy as she blew out a window. Fortunately, she had to reload the gun. So as the Titus family started to get up, Dave showed up with a dog and a carton of milk.

**My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield. Twenty seven years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buckshot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now? **


	12. Chapter 12

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding #12: The Pendulum

Chapter 12: The Pendulum

**(Watching a video of a racecar crash)**

**  
That was not my fault. When something goes wrong, people blame the parent. Well, that's crap.**

**(Takes a drink)  
**

**A bad father lets his son be a Wussy. "Oh Johnny got a boo-boo well, let me buy you some panties." **

**Kids are stupid, especially your own. You'd think that the sperm would transfer some inelegance to the egg, but no, you have to teach them everything. **

**(Watches the racecar crash video again)**

**My boy on national television. That can't be as bad as it looks. **

The car crash had left Christopher Titus in coma. He was being kept alive by machines.

Outside his room, a doctor was telling Papa Titus "Mr. Titus, your son is brain dead. The machines are keeping him alive. You have to decide weather or not you want to keep him on life support. I'm sorry."

Papa Titus looked at his son through the glass window that separated his room from the lobby. Erin was in the room sitting next to Christopher. Ken then went over and sat on a chair across from Tommy as Dave ran in saying "Hey why the long faces. The vending machines have chocolate milk."  
"Damn" said Papa Titus

"Oh no, they're made with real chocolate now. Dad, are you OK"

**No parent should have to see his kid die. It's not right. Don't take him. I'm the one who drinks and smokes and eats pork rinds. What do I have to do, take me!**

**(Takes a sip of beer)**

…**.In a minute.**

"No, you can't slap him a little and wake him up" said the doctor to Dave. He continued "He's brain dead. That is what happens to people who drive their cars at 200 mph."  
Dave yelled "260 doc, he was boss of the strip!"

"I'll leave you too your grief" said the doctor as he walked off.

"Mr. Titus, what are we going to do" asked Tommy.

"Aw hell, there's only one thing we can do" said Papa Titus.

"Move him to another hospital. These guys are trying to harvest his organs" said Dave

"Dave shut up" said Tommy.

"In Mexico, they get tourist drunk and cut out there spleens. They do it in the fall. It's called 'El dios de spleejos" said Dave.

"Shut up. Guys…..were gunna have to pull the plug" said Papa Titus.

"What" said Tommy!

"Oh my god! Your working for the spleen farmers" said Dave.

"Mr. Titus, don't you think you should take some time to think about it, maybe an entire minute" said Tommy.

"This is what he wanted" said Papa Titus.

"Cuanto cuesta un kidney, papa" said Dave

**Death, talk about it with your kids.**

(22 years ago)

"Ok dad I promise if you're ever a vegetable, I'll unplug you" said little Christopher.

"Thank you son. And I'll unplug you too" said Papa Titus.

(17 years ago)

"Ok father, I will honor your wishes" said Christopher

"And I'll smother you with a pillow son" said Papa Titus.

"Only if I'm a vegetable right? If I'm high you know just let me sleep."

(Last month)

"I need to ask you something" said Papa Titus.

"Unplug you" said Christopher.

"Yeah"  
"Unplug me too"  
"Hell yeah"

**Death, talk about it with your friends kids too.**

(Now)

"Wait! Don't we have a say? Dave's his brother. And I'm his special friend" said Tommy.

"I know. It took two paramedics to stop you from giving him mouth to mouth" said Ken.

"You think I'm gay. YOU THINK I'M GAY. Say it again and I'll kill you."

"I THINK YOUR GAY!"

Tommy stood there for a minute and hesitantly said "Well you know what, I think you're gay. All the children and marriages you've had, they're just cover ups. How does it feel? You big GAY! I'm so sorry it's the grief talking." Tommy hugged Papa Titus while Dave got up and tearfully said "When something is this sad, we're all a little gay". Dave started hugging Tommy and Papa Titus.

**Tommy's not a fruit but he hangs out in the orchard. He's not a fruit because I keep calling him a fruit, which makes him suppress his fruit like tendencies. It takes a village to raise a strait kid!**

"Off" yelled Papa Titus and Tommy and Dave stopped hugging him.

Tommy said, "Mr. Titus, forget what's logical right now and try to focus on what's good and nice, you fat ugly drunk. Sorry, it's the grief"

Dave said "Maybe Titus did say THAT, but people in comas don't know what they're saying. I bet if you ask him now all he'd say is…." Then Dave started mimicking the respirator. "And who are we to argue with that".

Ken Titus looked at his son's room and said "I got this one son". He slapped Dave over the back of the head.

Dave said "It's not the same" and started to tear up.

"Listen up idiots" said Papa Titus, "this is what he wanted. Pulling the plug is the right thing to do. We have to tell Erin."

Erin had been having bad luck lately. Her and Christopher's house was robbed and she broke her leg chasing the robber out. The robber later turned out to be one of her brothers. She was now confined to a wheel chair.

Erin looked over at Dave and Tommy and gave them a "thumbs up". Tommy and Dave waved at her and returned the signal. Tommy noticed Dave's thumb slowly going from "thumbs up" to "thumbs down". Tommy grabbed Dave's thumb and switched it back. Erin was confused by what they were doing.

Papa Titus knocked on the window and said "Erin, I need to talk to you, but not in there."

"I'm not coming out" said Erin from inside the room. Erin tried to roll her chair over to the door while holding on to Christopher. She almost made it when Ken ran in screaming "what the hell are you doing".

Erin looked over at Christopher and noticed that she had almost pulled him completely out of the bed. It took the efforts of both Ken and Dave to put Titus back in.

"It's alright" said Erin, "Listen, I am not letting go of his hand. If I let go, he'll know that I let go. I've been holding his hand for 7 hours. Do you have a Power Bar or something because I am starving?"

"Hon, I've got some bad news" said Ken.

Erin said "Really, the man I love is breathing through a machine. What's your bad news?"

Tommy started girlishly crying.

Papa Titus yelled "Stop that or we're gunna have to pull the plug on you too!"

"What" said Erin?

"Nothing" said Papa Titus.

"He's fine" said Tommy.

"Yeah, except he's brain dead" said Dave.

"Oh my god" said Erin.

Dave started to cry and gave a "thumbs up" which quickly turned into a "thumbs down".

**I've loved a lot of women. But Erin is the only woman I ever liked. She broke her leg not running from a burglar but chasing one. She's a keeper. Someone you can spend six or seven years of your life with. **

The doctor walked in and said "I just wanted to ask you before you make your decision, would you like Christopher to be an organ donor?"

"AHA" said Dave "Como esta, señor doctore?"

Erin pulled Dave aside telling the doctor "We are not pulling the plug. Miracles happen".

"Miracles never happen hon. We are pulling the plug" said Papa Titus.

"So you've made the decision" asked the doctor.

"Yes" said Papa Titus.

"No" said Erin.

"YES"  
"NO"

Dave joined in by saying "Yes, No, Dave!" He grabbed Christopher's arm and hit himself in the head with it. Then he said while wiping his tears with Christopher's arm "It's not the same. God speed tiny captain".

Erin took Christopher's arm from Dave and said "Dave just get away from him. All of you. Christopher is strong. He is going to pull through this."  
Tommy said "Maybe Mr. Titus is right. He's in pretty bad shape."  
"Shut up pantywaist. He'll get through this. You guys don't know him" said Erin.

Ken started "Erin honey…"  
"Don't you 'Erin honey' me. Listen, none of you know Christopher ok. Christopher is resilient. He's a fighter."

"Quiet! Listen" said Ken.

The four of them listened closely to the sounds of the machinery attached to Christopher. "He's that now. That's Christopher now" said Papa Titus.

**Okay, God, I'm willing to give up everything to get my son back. Here, no more beer.**

**(Finishes his beer)**

**Beers gone. Cigarette? Cigarette's gone.**

**(Puts out his cigarette)**

**Your turn……………….ok I tried.**

**(Gets another beer)**

"I love him so much" said Erin.

"I Love him too" said Papa Titus.

Dave, Tommy, and Erin looked at Papa Titus and he said "What, I'm not capable of love? I'm capable of love."

"Christopher" cried Erin, "I know this isn't you anymore. But I know that you are somewhere where you can hear me. Goodbye. Christopher, I love you." Erin leaned over and kissed Christopher. After a few seconds, she yelled "You're supposed to wake up."

"I don't believe this" said Dave. In an attempt to wake Christopher up, Dave leaned over to his ear and yelled Christopher's name as loud as he could. When that didn't work, he said "Damn, goodbye my brother".

Tommy sat down on Christopher's bead, took Christopher's hand in his own and said "Hey, pal. Thanks for making me a man. You know, before you, I thought my jazz dance class was the place to be free, like a blue jay. But you, you taught me it was a place I could go and pick up chicks. You were a great friend."

"That was beautiful" said Papa Titus, "now drop the hand."

Tommy let go of Christopher's hand.

"Well" said the doctor.

"No" said Dave, "he's my brother. I'm pulling the plug." Dave pulled the first plug he found which turned out to be the plug that went to the lamp in the room.

"It's not an actual plug" said the doctor, "you folks don't have to stay".

"No" said Erin, "Were gunna be with him until…."

"He kicks" said Dave.

"Just do it" said Papa Titus.

Erin could not stop crying as the nurses unhooked the machines from Christopher.

After 10 seconds without the machines, Christopher gasped.

"Hey look at that" said the doctor.

"He breathed" said Erin.

"In your face" said Dave to the doctor.

"They did say in med school that when a patient is taken off life support, the shock sometimes kicks the brain back on, but I thought they were just screwing with us. Pretty wicked cool" said the doctor.

"He's gunna wake up" said Tommy

"Not necessarily but probably" said the doctor.

"Well quick, plug him back in" said Dave as he plugged the lamp back in. He continued "If he finds out we unplugged him, he's gunna be pissed". Dave leaned over to Christopher's ear and said "Titus, Dave didn't unplug you!"

"Welcome back honey, I knew you wouldn't leave" said Erin.

"I got my boy back" said Papa Titus "like I always say, miracles can happen."

"I said that. Get away form him. No wait; take a good last look at him, because when he wakes up, you are out of his life forever."

Dave yelled in Christopher's ear, "Titus, say good bye to Dad!" Dave grabbed Titus arm and waved it.

Ken Titus had gone to the bathroom and back. When Erin saw him, she said "are you deaf old man? I told you to get out of here you bastard."

"You're a woman, I thought you'd changed your mind" said Ken.

"This is all your fault"

"I just mentioned the fuel mixture to help him when a race"

"Not the accident you motard! Christopher is always pushing himself to get your approval, which he never gets. So he continues to…do you see where I'm going here?"

"What the hell is a motard?"

"I am the only reason that you two have a relationship and you know what? I'm done. You go, you stay, I don't care."

"Fine, I'll stay"

"GO!"

"See, you've changed your mind. Now who's the motard?"

Erin screamed and chased Ken out of the room.

Dave had left the hospital and gone down to a sporting goods store to pick up something to "help" Christopher wake up. When he got back to the room, he said "This will wake him up". He took out a bullhorn, leaned into Christopher's ear and yelled "Titus, I got you a bullhorn!"

Tommy walked in and took the bullhorn from Dave. He spoke into it "You're an idiot".

"You want some of this" said Dave. Tommy ran over to him and the two began a slap fight.

Ken was running out of breath as Erin chased him back and forth through the hospital. He yelled "Hey, don't blame me! If I hadn't pulled the plug on him, he'd be dead. I taught him how to survive."

Erin said "you taught him how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You tough him how to not stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick his finger in a light socket."  
"So he knows not to swim with a hairdryer. I was teaching him"  
"You let a car fall on him. I still don't know what that taught him"

"Cars are heavy"

"Everybody knows that"

"So does he, thanks to me"

"All you have done is put his ass on the line. You tell me one time you put your ass on the line for him."

**You don't think I got anything, do you? **

"I kidnapped him" said Ken.

**You get married, you have a kid, and you sleep around on the mother of that kid. It's in the bible. And just like Moses' mom, that bitch sent my kid off to live with his grandparents in Detroit, all the while drinking up my child support checks, and nobody drinks on my money but me. And nobody raises my kid but me! So I flew to Detroit to get my boy. And I didn't even hit on one stewardess. **

(23 years ago)

Ken had hopped on the fist plane to Detroit he could get.

"And that's how I'm kidnapping my little boy" said Ken to the guy sitting next to him. He continued "I dare those dumb ass Michigan cops to try to catch me. I'm from California. So what do you do?"

"I'm the Detroit metro district attorney" said the guy sitting next to him.

**Admitting a felony to the man whose gunna prosecute you makes your butt clench. Never underestimate the power of bitterness or the power of a district attorneys ex-wife taking his house, his kids, and his boat.**

Ken and the DA were having a few drinks and the DA slurred "I'll tell you how to get your kid back and the bitch can't do anything about it. Sleep with the gardener, let him live in my house! That whore didn't even…"  
Ken interrupted "This is not about your divorce, this is about my kid."

The woman sitting behind him yelled "Will both of you losers shut up, I'm trying to sleep"

"Do it" said Kent to the DA.

"Hey" yelled the DA, "I'm the Detroit metric disco attorney of Detroit and you ma'am have the right to remain UGLY"

**Okay, I was drinking a little. But I was kidnapping my kid! All right, I was drunk. It's not like I was flying the plane. Not like I didn't try. **

When ken got to his in-laws' house, Christopher ran too him yelling "Daddy"

"Hey boy" said Ken.

"Grandpa and grandma said you're a whore loving drunk."

"I just wanna take him out and buy him a toy" said Ken to Christopher's grandpa.

"The hot wheels Laguna seca raceway" asked Chirsotpher.

**Toy, my ass, we got a plane to catch.**

On the way to the airport, Christopher pointed out every toy store on the way. He even pointed to the gift shop at the airport But, Ken kept going without stopping for anything.

**I'm sitting on a runway with a kidnapped kid. What the hell was I doing? I pull it off; my kid grows up to be a man in a coma. I don't pull it off; I spend the rest of my life in prison in Detroit. Which is redundant. **

**So I got my boy back, but for what? Erin's right. It is my fault. I should have left him with his grandparents. He'd be a different person. Hell, he'd still be a person. My god, I almost killed my son. **

(Now)

Ken had told Erin the kidnap story and came to a realization.

"Your right Erin" said Ken, "I'm a terrible father".

"No, you were the perfect father" said Erin.

"Before I got him, I was a hard drinking-pride killing-womanizer."

"Yeah, before"

"I could never have been a responsible father. You know, having him made me a responsible father".

"That's enough. Stop it"

"He didn't need me. I needed him".

"Oh, that is enough. You can stay".

Erin gave Papa Titus a tearful hug. Meanwhile, Dave had taken the bullhorn and was holding it to Christopher's face screaming Christopher's name in it over and over again. Tommy took the bullhorn from him but that didn't stop Dave. Dave started slapping Christopher over and over again. Tommy tried to pull Dave off him but then Dave started shaking Christopher.

Erin noticed them and said to Papa Titus "We better get in there before the kill him".

They ran in and Ken screamed "Idiots, what are you doing."

"Dave broke the IV" said Tommy.

"That's not what happened" said Dave.

"Shut up Dave"

"Shut up Tommy"

"Dave"

"Tommy"

"Dave"

"Tommy"

"Dave"

"Tommy"

"Dave" whispered Titus.

"Titus" yelled Dave.

"Dave" yelled Tommy.

"Tommy" yelled Dave.

"Tommy" whispered Titus.

"Dave" yelled Tommy.

"Wait" said Erin, "do that again"

Tommy and Dave leaned down to Christopher's ear and began to argue again. Then Titus started to whisper and Ken yelled "Christopher"

Christopher looked over at Papa Titus and said "Oh god, Dad"

Dave leaned over in Christopher ear and screamed "Titus, they all tried to kill you."

Titus raised his hand and hit Dave on the back of the head.

Dave said "that's the sweet stuff."

**(Christopher walks in and notices a hot wheels track)**

**Hey! The Hot Wheels Laguna Seca Raceway! **

**(Picks up a note)**

**Son, I'm glad we made that plane. Here's the toy I promised you when you were five. We're even, Dad. **

**Five, how long was I out. **

To all the readers: This will be the last NRIB story that I will post. I hope you all enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them. Remember, Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder.


End file.
